My Manager Gossips All The Time, Help! (Ask Christa! S7E77)

Introduction

Hi everyone, and welcome to Ask Christa! I’m Christa Dhimo, and my show is a free resource to help people get through common day to day issues at work. In each episode I answer a listener question about business challenges and workplace issues, and you know how it helps to like and subscribe—and I THANK YOU for the support.

This is episode 77 in Season SEVEN, which continues our focus on Dealing with Bad Bosses. Remember: all my episodes offer additional resources, too, so check them out in the show notes.

Today’s episode is about what to do when your manager gossips all the time. You can’t sit in a meeting without him talking about someone, and you can’t provide a project status without him talking about what he heard in back-channels.

Listener Question

Here’s the listener question, “My manager gossips all the time, and it feels icky. I was promoted to a new team a few months ago, and my former manager was a big part of my promotion. She mentored me for a couple of years and sponsored me to interact with several of our leaders. But now I’m reporting to someone who talks about those leaders as though they are tabloid fodder. I can’t sit in a status meeting without hearing things about how our Senior VP’s child has issues at school. I can’t offer ideas about how to best solve a new client issue without hearing about our CEO’s Executive Assistant’s divorce. I know office politics and gossip is part of what we all have to deal with, but the gossip is constant and uncomfortable, and has nothing to do with work. What do I do? Help!”

OK, yes, office politics and gossip are part and parcel to corporate life and workplace dynamics, but I agree with our listener that this seems icky—the focus is on personal aspects of the gossip. It’s not about how someone is working or whether someone will be promoted or fired, or whether someone is even a favorite (check out episode 75). Gossiping about personal matters at work sets up a toxic and “will I be the next target?” culture at work. And.. that’s… ICKY.

A Gossip-monger’s Profile (and you’re not alone)

A lot of workplace gossip is not really about information. It’s about insecurity, control, and social positioning. Some people gossip because it makes them feel like they’re “in the know.” Some do it because it makes them feel powerful. And some do it because talking about other people is easier than dealing with their own issues. And so I’ll say this: gossip will always tell you more about the gossiper than it will about the person being gossiped about.

The type of personal gossip our listener describes really damages the climate of a team, and this might be something we don’t think about. This level of gossip from a manager feels unsettling because it’s not just about unprofessional behavior. It signals a penchant to share personal information that is private and could even be embarrassing. Our listener describes hearing information about others that undoubtedly includes their current vulnerabilities, and to put a finer point on it: these are vulnerabilities that are happening at home, in their personal lives.

So  if you are the person sitting there thinking, “Ugh, this is really uncomfortable and bothers me,” then I’m here to say that’s a normal, good-human response. When a manager treats other people’s private struggles like water-bubbler material that can be shared in a cavalier way without care to the work environment, employees naturally start wondering whether their own words, mistakes, or personal circumstances will also become part of the story. AND… in spite of what you may see on the socials, a lot of people don’t want to hear about the misfortunes and personal challenges of others. It’s… ICKY.

But there are a few things you can do.

What If Your Boss Gossips All The Time?

First, do not reward the behavior, and by avoiding any reward, you are also setting some boundaries. When your manager starts sharing personal details or back-channel information, don’t react. Keep your face neutral and as soon as you can, redirect the conversation back to work. You can say something simple like, “OK, I’d love to stay focused on the client issue so we can figure this out.” If you hear your manager responding in a defensive tone, such as, “what’s the matter, are you too good for the gossip?” or something less confrontational but with the same meaning, maintain neutrality, and stay focused: “We have this issue with the client to solve for, and that’s where all my energy and attention is going right now.” Don’t take the bait, don’t explain, don’t give any of the gossip any of your time. Stay focused by forcing focus, and if you feel that’s impossible to do, then you can always say, “You know, I’ve never been comfortable talking about non-work items at work, especially when it sounds like gossip. That’s all. Now, about the client…” 

Second, good notes. If the gossip starts affecting your work, your reputation, or the team’s ability to function, then document the observable behavior, the impact, and what you’d like to see change—that’s the BIC method I’ve talked about a lot: Behavior (and it has to be directly observed by you), Impact, Change or Continue, and in this case, it’s Change. This method enables you to focus on facts, not feelings, and take it one step further: list the date, the setting, what was said, and how it affected the work, what you or others tried to do to refocus away from the personal gossip and onto work-related items. 

Third, think about and discern whether the gossip-y behavior is annoying, harmful, or reportable. Not every bad habit requires formal escalation, but some absolutely do, and you’ll see patterns emerge from your notes. This includes how your manager may respond as you set some boundaries about gossip. 

For example, if you start to receive less interaction with your manager, or if your workload changes without explanation, or if you suddenly feel you’re on the “outs,” that might be a form of harassment by way of retaliatory behavior, and yeah—that sometimes happens when you refuse to participate in bad behavior with your boss, especially if your refusal has caused embarrassment or discomfort with your boss. That’s reportable. So too is any instance when the gossip includes sharing confidential information. This is when your documentation will matter, and again, using BIC shows the facts and the actual impact, not the feelings and the potential for impact.  

And if you are not ready to escalate, know your resources!! Start by finding your trusted mentor or even your former manager who can help you think clearly, practice your wording, and decide what your next step should be.

Additional Resources

For your resources, located in the show notes, I’m including three that connect directly to what to do when a manager gossips all the time and creates an uncomfortable work environment.

First is the American Psychological Association’s practical overview of psychological safety at work. It’s a helpful, accessible read if you want to better understand why teams shut down when people fear embarrassment, blame, or being talked about behind their backs. This one is especially useful if you need to explain why a gossip-heavy manager can change the entire tone of a workplace. And why it’s important to correct it.

Next up, is a great article on handling workplace gossip from Indeed. It breaks down what gossip is, how it differs from more serious workplace problems, and what professionals can do to avoid fueling it. It’s especially helpful if you need to simply know what to say in the moment and how to stay professional without getting pulled in.

And last, I’m including an insightful article from The Muse on dealing with a difficult boss. Your manager may not just be a gossip. He may also be someone whose behavior makes it harder to do your job well. This resource is broader, but that’s exactly why it’s useful. It can help you think about managing up, protecting your energy, and deciding whether you should adapt, set firmer boundaries, or get support from elsewhere.

Wrap Up & Submitting Your Question

And there it is, Episode 77 from season seven focused on Dealing with Bad Bosses. Like and subscribe here, but also go to my site and send in YOUR question. It’s AskChrista.com, that’s Christa with a C-H. You’ll also see answers to other questions, listed by category and season, and every season has a theme. As always, thank you for your support. And remember, if you have a business challenge or a workplace issue—Ask Christa!