My Boss's Boss is a Bully-- What Do I Do? (Ask Christa! S7E81)

Introduction

Hi everyone, and welcome to Ask Christa! I’m Christa Dhimo, and my shows are free resources to help people get through common day to day issues at work or simply ask a business question they may be curious about. I do this to provide support to those in need, but you know how it helps to like and subscribe, and I thank you for the support. 

And remember: all my episodes offer additional resources, too, so check them out in the show notes.

Today’s episode is about how to manage the situation when your boss’s boss is a bully and you see how badly he treats your hardworking manager as we continue in Season Seven focused on Dealing with Bad Bosses. 

Listener Question

Here’s the listener question, “I joined a family law firm as an associate lawyer about six months ago. My manager is an exceptional litigator who I’ve seen win cases in court for marginalized people, including women seeking restraining orders from abusive husbands. I’m learning so much from him, and I love working with and for him. The interesting thing at my firm right now is that my manager’s manager is under investigation at the firm for being abusive to employees, including my boss, who I’ve seen withstand HIS boss’s verbal putdowns and demeaning behavior. I know he’s under investigation because I finally hit my limit with this bad behavior about a week ago and reported him. I’m glad things are going well, but my question is this: what could I have done differently so I didn’t have to have seen the bad behavior for so long? Of all people, I should be able to report bad behavior, but it took me so long, and I can’t imagine what it’s like in other places. What do we do to get a handle on this bad behavior sooner?”

Why It Took So Long

First, good for you for reporting the bad behavior. It’s hard enough to do that with anyone in the workforce, but anyone up the chain of command means there is a power dynamic that makes reporting all the more stressful and (obviously) less likely to happen. And because of that, we all know reporting usually DOESN’T happen. And so… it’s hard for me to talk about what you could have done differently because you did so much right that I wouldn’t WANT you to do differently. It took so much strength and courage to report the bad behavior. 

So what I’d like to do is use your question as a jumping off point to help OTHERS follow in your footsteps and speak up when they see this kind of behavior, especially when it’s up the chain of command and you’re seeing your manager under the duress and distress of a bullying boss.

Bullying is Not the Same as Firm or Uncomfortable Feedback

For starters, let’s cull out specific behaviors and language that signals bullying behaviors versus behaviors and language that is firm or uncomfortable feedback. 

Bullying behaviors include harsh treatment intended to push others down—it’s about power, not performance. Bullying behaviors aim to humiliate or deeply embarrass someone as a way to make them feel and/or be perceived by others to be weak and therefore, inferior. 

Name calling, insults that diminish the person, and cruelty in front of others—particularly those who probably WON’T speak up, such as subordinates in a chain of command—are all indicators of bullying behaviors. 

Look also for behavior that aims to intimidate someone to submit or take a weaker stand against opposing what the bully wants done. This could like someone staying quiet when unethical or even illegal actions take place or someone manipulating or coercing another to force their will and deeds. 

The outcome is those being bullied will do something they wouldn’t otherwise do by the sheer force, diminishment, or intimidation, of the other. 

BIFF: A Great Model for a Response

These days we see a lot of pathological behaviors emerging, including inappropriate behaviors at work, rudeness, disrespectful behavior, and yes: bullying. We also hear the phrase “emotional dysregulation” more frequently than ever before, where people at work—usually in a position of power—cannot control their anger and frustration, sometimes escalating quickly into rage and breathtaking disrespect. 

Although there is a long history of boss’s yelling at employees in subordinate roles, we have plenty of  applied business research coming out of the late 90s and well into today that reports the destruction and underwhelming performance of organizations when bullying behavior is not only allow to fester, but also encouraged and rewarded. And when you see your boss’s boss doing it in plain view of others… THAT’s a culture issue.

It’s good that the HR team is investigating the behavior now, but it’s probably time for the entire organization to build some muscle and new behaviors for what is considered appropriate performance-driven communications so that certain personality types aren’t taking over and normalizing the very behavior that sinks organizations.

BIFF, that’s B I F F, is a great way to communicate with high conflict personalities, and for-sure, bullies tend to have that personality type: the kind that has a low self-esteem and needs conflict and tension to feel in control and superior in the environment. I won’t go into High Conflict Personalities in this episode, but I’ll include a link in the Additional Resources section.

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. It was coined by Bill Eddy, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Juris Doctor who has done a lot of work on conflict, studying high conflict personalities, and how to communicate with those who crave, will create, and will try to sustain tension and conflict with others. BIFF is a model for short, concise, fact-based communications so you limit what the other person is responding to, which will not only help you when in a bullying situation but also when and if you decide to report.

Again: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

Now—important note: the “Friendly” part isn’t about being open or inviting. It’s about being cordial. Bill Eddy describes it as “politely neutral.” But here’s the deal: sometimes when it comes to high conflict personalities, even that’s a step too far, so it’s OK if you are Brief, Informative, and Firm, leaving the cordial (or “friendly”) piece out so it isn’t misinterpreted or offered as a way to derail your communications—or even trigger more conflict, as can sometimes be the case with bullies. 

The framework is designed to communicate information while making it difficult to make it personal, but that doesn’t mean a bully or a high conflict personality won’t TRY to make it personal.

There Are a Few Ways to Report

The last piece of advice is this: there are probably a lot of ways you can report bad behavior if you feel there is a systemic issue and no one is safe, per se. 

If it’s a publicly held company in the United States, they are required to have an Ethics and Compliance Hotline that is anonymous (meaning no one knows who you are), and confidential (meaning only certain people with appropriate permission or clearance can view the information). Whether you choose anonymity or whether you decide to give your name for follow-ups, the investigation is done by an objective third-party paid for by the company. 

Many non-profits and even for-profit organizations have Ombuds as a third-party mediator within the organization to support neutral conflict resolution, which sometimes includes anonymous reporting followed by confidential discussions about what else you can do to report, including what your legal rights are.

And of course, any highly regulated industry, meaning it is regulated by the federal government, has hotlines to report also, including direct lines to various federal agencies.

And of course:  look to your policies. There will be an Anti-Harassment policy, although sometimes they are only enforceable or required after a certain number of employees are employed. But there are federal laws and state laws, so even if you feel like you work in an environment where your reporting won’t be taken seriously, find what you’re comfortable reporting and call. 

Now, I also recognize that this all sounds good on paper, so… send an anonymous letter to the Board of Directors if you feel you have no other viable path to report. If you believe the bad behavior is impacting the overall performance of the organization and/or puts the organization at risk, and chances are, if you’re observing the bulling behaviors I described earlier, the organization is at risk, the Board will have a duty to investigate.

Phrasing to Report Inappropriate Conduct at Work

No matter how you report, here’s what it might sound or look like: “I want to report conduct I directly witnessed. On these dates, in these meetings, I heard these statements. I am concerned about a repeated pattern of demeaning behavior and the effect it is having on the workplace, with evidence of how it is impacting performance and creating risk. I have notes and will cooperate with a fair investigation.” Or if you want to remain anonymous, maintain that you cannot divulge more for fear of identification and retaliation, but you have provided enough information for them to get started because this issue is so prevalent. 

Stay with what you know without adding your opinion or speaking on behalf of anyone but you—this includes refraining from speaking on behalf of your boss.

Additional Resources

For your resources, located in the show notes, I’m including guidance on what workplace bullying can look like and what an investigation typically looks like, too. Both resources are from sites in the UK, but they are aligned to and very much like what you can expect in the US also. It is useful because it separates bullying from ordinary feedback and gives concrete examples of behavior that undermines, humiliates, or misuses power. The resources also include what will likely go into a witness statement, including guidance for how to focus on saying what you saw, what you heard, accuracy, and note taking.

I’m also including the American Psychological Association’s bystander intervention tip sheet. It explains why witnesses, or bystanders. freeze or stay quiet and offers practical ways to move from being a bystander to taking constructive action.

Of course, I have information about High Conflict Personalities and BIFF, two articles written by Bill Eddy. He very nicely applies these concepts into an every-day environment, and if these articles speak to you, be sure to look him up on YouTube also.

Wrap Up & Submitting Your Question

And there it is, Episode 81 in season seven focused on Dealing with Bad Bosses. Like and subscribe here, but also go to my site and send in YOUR question. It’s AskChrista.com, that’s Christa with a C-H. You’ll also see answers to other questions in various on-demand webinars, listed by category and season, and every season has a theme. As always, thank you for your support. And remember, if you have a business challenge or a workplace issue—Ask Christa!