More Answers... (08/24/26): When Someone Else Delays Your Progress

Hi Everyone, 

Here are More Answers... to help you head into the work week. Remember, you can see previous newsletters at askchrista.com/MoreAnswers.

Today's Topic: When Someone Else Delays Your Progress...

It can feel infuriating when someone delays your progress: slowing down a promotion, holding back any sense of urgency, dismissing what might be critical to you as a footnote for them.

Sometimes we have the need to control things, so the urgency we have to see something get moving or resolved isn't a realistic expectation: just because we want it to happen fast, doesn't mean in the grander queue of life it will (or needs to) happen fast. 

But other times, someone ELSE has the need to control things, and that's what I want to focus on in today's post.

Knowing Where the Root of Control Is: You or Them?

Before we decide if someone is an obstacle or not, we do need to determine whether someone (else) is an obstacle or not-- and I say that with love.

Regrettably, sometimes, the answer is us.

We have a picture in our head of how something should unfold, when it should happen, and what the next step should be. We have done the work, we are ready, we can see what comes next, and we are understandably eager to get there. When the thing does not move, it can feel as though something is wrong or someone else is lagging.

There are times when ambition generates energy to get that promotion, get that new title, get that raise... but our energy does not maketh a reality if we aren't ready or truly aren't meeting or exceeding the "rubric" for what needs to be accomplished first.

Sometimes we just want to control our destiny, and I'm all for doing that-- but also, I'm all for inward reflection to determine what's holding us back.

Many times it's us and how we are taught that our connection with control means we're in control, and if we're in control, life is better. Less stressful. But that just isn't true, especially when it comes to life and how many factors are involved in and influence any given moment of it. 

Research on perceived control has repeatedly shown that our sense of control matters to how we experience stress, and of course this makes sense. When we believe we have some ability to influence what is happening, we feel some relief. We gain the sense of and ability to respond differently than when we feel powerless or uncertain (Abollini et al., 2004). 

And so, it's much easier to tolerate a delay when we understand what is happening, what we can do about it, and what is outside our hands. And in those times, patience might be our best friend.

How to Find Patience If...
(It's Me, Hi, I'm the Problem, It's Me...)

I love this particular Taylor Swift lyric because it gives us a little permission to laugh at ourselves while admitting something that is actually pretty difficult: sometimes our impatience is our problem.

In fact, recognizing that we are the source of the urgency can liberate us from feeling we're "just waiting," and focus more on something we can actually work with.

Recent research on patience suggests that impatience is not simply a personality trait or a character flaw. It can be understood as an emotional response, particularly when we perceive a delay as unreasonable or unfair. We ask children to have patience all the time, right? Sure we do. It often serves as a virtue that enables emotional regulation (Sweeny et al., 2026). And yet, it's amazing to me how many adults struggle with this same virtue.

Now, in fairness: if I am impatient because I genuinely believe something should be happening now, and certainly if I've been hearing over an over "soon," telling myself to "just be patient" is wholesale unhelpful, and that's not what I'm getting at here. 

It's more about understanding why the sense of urgency is overtaking your ability to have patience. This is when you can focus on solving either for yourself (and gain some relief) or for the situation (and stop the log-jam if that's what is happening).

That ask? What is driving my impatience?

Am I afraid I will miss an opportunity?

Am I worried that the delay means the opportunity is disappearing?

Am I frustrated because I have already done my part and now it's the other party's time to do their part, and they simply aren't doing it?

Am I uncomfortable because I cannot see what is happening behind the scenes and am not receiving any status or communication (just hanging in the wind)?

Or, perhaps, am I simply accustomed to being someone who gets things done?

(uh oh... that last one can be a big one...)

There is research suggesting that stress and difficulty regulating emotions can make people more likely to favor an immediate outcome over a delayed one (Malesza, 2019). In other words, when we are stressed, waiting can feel even more intolerable. The emotional discomfort of "not yet" can make us want to do something, anything, to make the discomfort go away.

So the key I'm focused on is how to find some peace...

How to Find Peace If the Delay Is Because of Someone Else

This is the hard one and the crux of this post. It's personal for everyone: that feeling of disrespect and unfair power dynamics at play, or the loss of trust that someone will support what is important to you after they agreed to (and then never gets to it), or the frustration that happens when you do your part, turn the next step to someone else, and they withhold any status, cooperation, or good will toward the agreed process and outcome... just because.

It is extraordinarily stressful when we are watching someone unnecessarily hold up something that matters to us precisely because that person is now deciding the timing, regardless of what the agreement has been. 

So, how to find some peace? Often it's separating your needs from the other person's behavior, and staying focused on who you are vs how things feel, especially when you cannot control certain aspets of life. After all, there are almost always ways to move around an obstacle, especially if we've already exercised appropriate patience and respect of the agreed process. 

An important part of this effort, and for those who study stoicism, this will feel important, is "psychological flexibility." It's about remaining true to who we are and continuing our pursuits even amidst challenging thoughts, emotions, or circumstances are present (Doorley et al., 2020). More recent research continues to connect psychological flexibility with well-being, including in organizational settings (Roche, 2026), which when you learn about psychological flexibility, makes good sense.

It's also why those with high conflict personalities, rigid thinking, all-or-nothing thinking, and "my way or the highway" approaches to work often feel challenged every day: they simply cannot flex.

Important: I'm not talking about compromising values or what makes us good humans. I am talking about how to find peace when we're in a situation where someone else holds the levers to making progress and moving forward.

(and after you've found some peace, find a trusted person who can help you find a constructive way to work around the person holding you up... sometimes this means involving a former manager, or a new champion, or even a different strategy that feels more bold than you would otherwise use...)

Whatever you do, find your peace first.

References

Abollini, A., et al. (2004). The influence of perceived control and locus of control on the cortisol and subjective responses to stress. Biological Psychology, 66(1), 1–13. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2003.11.002

Doorley, J. D., Goodman, F. R., & Kashdan, T. B. (2020). Psychological flexibility: What we know, what we do not know, and what we think we know. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 14(12), e12566. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12566

Malesza, M. (2019). Stress and delay discounting: The mediating role of difficulties in emotion regulation. Personality and Individual Differences, 144, 56–60. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.02.035

Ong, C. W., Barthel, A. L., & Hofmann, S. G. (2024). The relationship between psychological inflexibility and well-being in adults: A meta-analysis of the Acceptance and Action Questionnaire. Behavior Therapy, 55(1), 26–41. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2023.05.007

Roche, M. (2026). A scoping review and research agenda: Psychological flexibility and wellbeing in organisations. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.70139

Sweeny, K., Hawes, J., & Karaman, O. T. (2026). When time is the enemy: An initial test of the process model of patience. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 52(3). https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672241284028

(remember: most public libraries in the USA offer access to academic papers; however, if yours does not, then Google these papers or chapters to see where they are listed, how you can learn more about them, and how you can find similar papers to learn more about this topic)