More Answers... (05/20/26) Newsletter): The Habit of Talking Behind Someone's Back

More Answers from Ask Christa! 

Hi Everyone, 

Here are More Answers... to help you head into the work week. Remember, you can see previous newsletters at askchrista.com/MoreAnswers.

Today’s topic: Back-Channeling (or talking about others behind their backs...) (and the problem of it becoming a work habit...)

We've all done it, even if we're comfortable with confronting someone in a constructive and open way. We usually talk about others behind their backs because of fear, most notably fear that the person will scorch the Earth if we confront them, and high conflict personalities often abound in the workplace these days (check out the newsletter on high conflict personalities!).

But there's such a thing as a workplace where the act of talking about someone behind their backs is a habit. A norm, and I don't mean gossip-- or at least, "just" gossip. People will do it even if there is no need. Why is that, and what does that mean for the workplace? (and more importantly, how can we manage it when we see it, are working with someone who does it, and are the targets of it?)

When It Becomes Toxic

One of the hardest things about this topic is that people often feel justified in talking about someone behind their back, and in truth, sometimes they are. If you approach Person A to talk about Person B, and you do so because you need help in how to manage something related to Person B, then that's not what I'm referring to in this post. That is about council, knowing your resources, and seeking to solve a problem you cannot solve on your own.

However, if you find you are doing it repeatedly about the same person AND you also find you are feeling some satisfaction in berating, judging, or "talking smack" about them (had to get my late high school vernacular in somehow!), then that's a problem... and that's what this post is about. 

Why We Do It

Most people think they're "venting," "processing," "sharing concerns," or "being honest." And as mentioned above, sometimes they are. Let's say for good people in supportive work environments, most times they are. 

But it is different if you talk about someone behind their back and say things you would never say to their face... or say things because you aren't looking to move on from something... or say things because you are looking to bring someone on your "side" to form a coalition against your coworker.

What's worse is if this is normalized and part of the work culture, especially if you find yourself thinking, "Hm... I never did this before I started working here." (and we adopt work culture and habits waaaaaay more than we think)

The worst outcome from those cultures? People stop being honest, direct, and gentle with their truths. Everything starts to feel like a political maneuver. 

And talking about uncomfortable things becomes so stressful that no one does it. Heck, they may even lose the skill of talking directly to someone about something uncomfortable, and what was once a "comfortable topic" becomes uncomfortable. 

And at a time when so much already feels disrupted, uncomfortable, and disconnected, it's essential that we preserve and maintain workplace norms that foster trust and open communication.

And gossip (even the intriguing kind vs the mean kind, like, "did you hear he got engaged this weekend?") and social information-sharing are deeply human behaviors. Researchers have long noted that humans use conversation about others a way to bond socially, establish group norms, and exchange information about trust and risk (Robbins & Karan, 2020). This is why workplace gossip can initially feel connecting. Two people feel closer after sharing grapevine-news or frustration about another coworker, and that creates some alignment (belonging) and emotional relief. 

But if this is the norm and happens All. The. Time. ... and if you feel like you need to speak to a spiritual advisor after talking to someone who's "gossip-y" in the toxic way, you are only starting to feel the broad effects associated with the behavior.

(Lots and Lots of Effects...)

If you see or participate in the habit of talking about someone behind their back, there are for-sure root causes that not only foster that kind of behavior, but also rely on it as a crutch to deal with bigger workplace issues, such as:

- weak psychological safety, 
- unclear norms,
- poor leadership accountability,
- unresolved conflict,
- feeling pressured or wanting to be in the "In Group."

And many times, employees do not believe concerns can safely be raised openly, so frustration leaks sideways instead of moving forward.

Research whos that negative workplace gossip does exactly what most of us already know it does: create higher anxiety, lower trust, reduced knowledge-sharing, and lower proactive behavior among employees (Gao et al., 2024; Guo et al., 2021; Zou et al., 2020). Employees spend energy managing social risk-- and let's face it, toxic politics-- instead of doing meaningful work. (and you can throw collaborations out the window!)

What "Behind Others' Backs" Habits Does to a Workplace

In healthy organizations, difficult conversations eventually get to the appropriate place. Feedback goes upward, downward, and all around in a constructive way. Even awkward exchanges are supported because the culture is about being open and honest in a respectful and "bigger picture" way. Problems may be discussed privately at first, but the goal is resolution, and in functional environments, there are mechanism to get to that resolution in a safe and constructive way.

But in back-channeling workplace cultures, the goal isn't resolution, it's usually about energy: shedding the excess, creating some excitement, causing or needing distractions, etc.

And aside from the obvious toxic effects we inherently know about, these kinds of workplace cultures also create instability and distrust: assumptions about others abound, and anxiety heightens as everyone realizes that sooner or later, they'll be the "behind their backs" target (Guo et al., 2021).

What Should We Do When We See It?

One of the biggest mistakes we make is thinking we need to confront and "call out" gossip every time we encounter it. You don't need me to point out that doing so, especially in a back-channeling environment, will probably cause and accelerate defensiveness.

A far more effective approach, and probably a much more comfortable one, is to gently interrupt the pattern and redirect the conversation.

Some examples:

• "Have you shared this directly with them yet?"
• "That sounds frustrating. What outcome are you hoping for?"
• "Do you need to vent, or do you want support processing this, or help figuring out how to address it?"
• "I wonder if there's context we're missing. It's usually hard to see the full picture of things when we're not directly involved."
• "This feels like a conversation that probably needs to include them."

These responses matter because they shift the emotional reward system of the back-channeling. It also helps the person focus on an end point while clarifying your position while offering empathy.

Booster for the Week!

What's better than a perfect spoof of office behavior all within a four-minute clip of The Office talking about gossip?

"... I guess I have a face for trust... I think it's because of my low cheekbones..." (Dwight)

With kindness,

Christa

(Helpful? Interesting? Please feel free to forward and invite others to subscribe at askchrista.com/newsletter.)

References

Gao, C., Shaheen, S., & Bari, M. W. (2024). Workplace gossip erodes proactive work behavior: Anxiety and neuroticism as underlying mechanisms. BMC Psychology, 12(1), 464. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-024-01966-5

Guo, G., Gong, Q., Li, S., & Liang, X. (2021). Don't speak ill of others behind their backs: Receivers' ostracism (sender-oriented) reactions to negative workplace gossip. Psychology Research and Behavior Management, 14, 1-16. https://doi.org/10.2147/PRBM.S288961

Robbins, M. L., & Karan, A. (2020). Who gossips and how in everyday life? Social Psychological and Personality Science, 11(2), 185-195. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550619837000

Sun, T., Schilpzand, P., & Liu, Y. (2023). Workplace gossip: An integrative review of its antecedents, functions, and consequences. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 44(2), 311-334. https://doi.org/10.1002/job.2653

Zou, X., Chen, X., Chen, F., Luo, C., & Liu, H. (2020). The influence of negative workplace gossip on knowledge sharing: Insight from the cognitive dissonance perspective. Sustainability, 12(8), 3282. https://doi.org/10.3390/su12083282

(remember: most public libraries in the USA offer access to academic papers; however, if yours does not, then Google these papers to see where they are listed, how you can learn more about them, and how you can find similar papers to learn more about this topic)