More Answers... (04/14/26 Newsletter): Dealing with High Conflict Personalities (at work)...

Hi Everyone, 

Here are More Answers... to help you head into the work week. Remember, you can see previous newsletters at askchrista.com/MoreAnswers.

Today’s topic: High Conflict Personalities

Relax, this won't be a newsletter about complicated and complex personality types, but it WILL serve as validation that they DO exist, even at work.

And several of us have probably seen more high conflict personalities than ever before in the last 20+ years, as disrespectful behavior once thought to only happen in certain environments creeped into the more buttoned-up white-collar world.

In reality, the buttoned-up white-collar world wasn't immune; those environments rarely had cause for or need of conflict.

High Conflict Personalities

The first thing to know about this personality type is how they seek to increase tension. Some might see a light beam up in their eyes, or even appear to be excited as friction is created and tension grows. Although most people prefer to ease tension and get along, collaborate, find commonalities, the high conflict personality may go along with that to get along, but overall they need to feel conflict. This can have devastating effects on organizational performance, especially if environments are running hot with a higher grade of stress to begin with.

Important note, though: the high conflict personality demonstrates a pattern of conflict, most times very intense. It's not the usual cranky day or when well-behaved coworkers suddenly lose it. High conflict personality types default or prioritize conflict as a means to get through life and through their feelings of low self-esteem (the forceful way they embrace conflict enables them to feel superior or more in control). They sometimes even use an intensive conflict style to simply get through a typical day of strife that occurs during chronically stressful times at work (see last week's post!).

What Does a High Conflict Personality Look Like?

There are three common observations, or what you will see, when it comes to this personality type:

• Polarized Thinking. You're either In or Out. Friend or Foe. Ally or Enemy. It's All or Nothing. Everything is perceived in extremes and opposite (opposing...) ends. Research suggests high conflict personalities are more cognitively rigid, so cannot easily imagine the gray area that is more nuanced (Pollack Peacebuilding, 2025).

• Blame Others. High conflict personalities cannot accept responsibility for mistakes, and sometimes they will defer responsibility even if they are afraid of a potential or possible mistake. They will point the finger at others. Actually, no, that's not right: they HAVE to point the finger at others (often called the "Target of Blame"). If something goes wrong, they will say it was because of someone else or something else, even if they are so clearly the ones involved or behind the mistake. It's instinctual to deflect any sense of fault or blame. If they are going through a breakup or a divorce, they will feel compelled to say the other person wanted it, not them, even if no one asked. They cannot talk through rational, reasonable reasons why something failed, nor can they associate themselves to any part of it. The blame goes elsewhere (Mental Health Hope, 2024).

• Emotional Dysregulation (and at times, hyper-reactivity). While most professionals can manage their frustration thinking of prior situations in the context of a bigger picture, high conflict personalities are usually taken over by big emotions, and usually the big ones that spur conflict. From a hyper-reactivity perspective, their reaction will also be disproportionate to whatever set them off (Facilitated Solutions, 2019). For example, a simple suggestion to change the subject line of an email to offer more clarity may be perceived by a high conflict personality as a deeply disrespectful put-down on their intelligence and whether they know how to write an email.

Once again, the high conflict personality is related to a pattern of these observations, based on how conflict enables a path to feeling more in control, more superior, sometimes even soothed.

What Does a High Conflict Personality Do?

This is an important question to ask because in the workplace, high conflict personalities usually don't introduce themselves that way (hah hah! can you IMAGINE???). But they also aren't typically aware of how they present their issues related to high conflict-- remember, they have to be right, they aren't at fault, they'll fight to the death, and the big emotions that drive such behavior are validated and necessary to bring their hyper-reactivity back to normative levels.

But that doesn't mean they're triggered all the time, nor does it mean you will know what you're dealing with. Remember: sometimes someone's just having a bad day. It's the pattern that matters... and a few other "tells":

• They'll recruit and build a team of advocates, usually focused on the more negative topics. This is how high conflict personalities remain righteous in their behaviors: they validate their me vs them conflict default by seeking others who will see things similarly (Psychology , 2026).
• A "No Boundaries" Style (to the extreme). This may include passive aggressive quips made out in the open that are clearly inappropriate, aggressive language via text or email (the point is it is boldly in writing-- remember that emotional dysregulation and hyper-reactivity part!)), or even sabotaging something that matters to someone else, such as confronting a co-worker just before an important meeting about something that can wait (Forbes, 2025) (btw, I recommend reading this article to get great tips on what to do and what note to do; for example, the best way to manage a high conflict personality is to not fall into the conflict). They should disregard and invite conflict by brazenly stepping across and over boundaries.
  
  
• Preoccupation with Past Grievances (over and over and over again). High conflict personalities will rehash any past grievance that reminds those around them why they were the victim, why they were so wronged, and why their ongoing hostility (and creation of friction and tension) is justified. They will revert to their own history of events when they feel they need to bring others around them down or create conflict with a particular person in attempt to feel superior. They will also use this tactic to stall progress and delay a future they may not want (Facilitated Solutions, 2019).

Booster for the Week!

What to do if you're dealing with a high conflict personality type?

Yes-- definitely look through the references I provide below (especailly the Forbes article), but also: here's a great clip from the Huberman Lab during an episode where he had Bill Eddy, who is an expert in conflicts at work and high conflict types.

This is a six minute clip that will answer a lot of quick questions: Four Rules for Dealing with Difficult People

"Don't go inward with people, go outward with people."

GOLD.

Enjoy!! 

With kindness,

Christa

(Helpful? Interesting? Please feel free to forward and invite others to subscribe at askchrista.com/newsletter.)

References

Ershov, N. (2025, January 2). When conflict is their comfort zone: Managing High-Conflict Personalities in professional setting. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/councils/forbesbusinesscouncil/2025/0...

Harder, S. K. (2019, December 2). Managing “High conflict” behaviours. Facilitated Solutions. https://workplaceconflict.ca/managing-high-conflict-behaviou...

Mdr/Mls, E. R. (2026, March 20). Recognize escalation patterns and protect your time, credibility, and role. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/solutions-for-confli...

Pollack, J. (2025, June 6). 5 Characteristics of conflict in the workplace For Better Resolutions | Pollack Peacebuilding Systems. Pollack Peacebuilding Systems. https://pollackpeacebuilding.com/blog/conflict-characteristi...

Staff. (2025, July 16). High Conflict Personality Disorder: Traits, causes and management. Mental Health Hope. https://mentalhealthhope.com/high-conflict-personality-disor...