Ask Christa! How Can I Diplomatically Decline Wasteful Meetings? (S4E42)

Introduction

Hi everyone and welcome to Ask Christa! the place where you can ask questions about how to work through business challenges and workplace issues. I'm Christa Dhimo and today’s listener question is another one about MEETINGS, and when people say we spend most of our lives at work, I think what they REALLY mean is we spend most of our time in meetings… right???

Season 3 focused on “Business Basics,” and episode 35 answered the listener question, “How can I make my meetings run better?” In that episode I talked about putting the needs of your attendees at the forefront of how you design your meeting, and YES—take the time to actually and thoughtfully design your meeting. Then COMMUNICATE what your meeting is all about: purpose, objectives, draft agenda.

This season, Season 4, is focused on “Doing the Work,” and this question will be a consolidation of nearly a dozen questions other questions I recently received about meetings: how do I politely decline? (and I have to say that I received a handful of those questions AFTER I released episode 35 about improving meeting management… I can’t PROVE there’s a correlation, but I sure hope there is…)

For this consolidation episode, I picked one question that very nicely articulates the issues I think most people face when it comes to ATTENDING meetings, and that’s how to balance the need to be polite AND political with the need to be protective AND productive. We all want to be seen as team players and we all want to have the benefit of being present at work, but we all also have job to do.

Listener Question

Here’s the question:

“I’ve been working for 15 years. I started working right out of college, and I’m at my third company. It’s a smaller company that I’m used to. There are about 300 employees here, but the company spun out from a larger company just before I joined, which was about a year ago. In a lot of ways, it feels like a much larger company. There are a lot of processes, a lot of approvals still needed for little things, and there are a lot of meetings.

It’s a good culture, though, and overall, everyone is very nice and very smart. They’ve been simplifying and removing a lot of processes and systems that are no longer needed, but the one area they haven’t addressed, and I’m not sure if they will, is how many meetings we have. 

When I was in a bigger company, I was used to a lot of meetings because we had a lot of stakeholders, a lot of politics that came along with those stakeholders, and a lot of moving parts along with many considerations related to our multiple product lines. But this company went from more than 20 product lines to just four when they spun out, and it feels like they still meet about things they no longer have to meet about.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’ve talked to my manager, and she asked the broader team what they thought also, and everyone agreed there are a lot of meetings and many of them we probably don’t have to attend. We don’t know how to politely decline, though. 

I want to bring some ideas back to my manager, so my question is: “How can I diplomatically decline wasteful meetings?””

The Painful Truth About Painful Meetings

First, this listener is RIGHT ON for how they’re thinking about their time, the meetings, and the context of their organization, especially in light of a VERY LARGE transformation that happened just a year ago. An organizational change as big as a spin out, where in this case it seems they made up about 20% of the larger organization’s product lines, is a really big change. 

We all know that most meetings aren’t run well, which has always seemed odd and somewhat weird to me because good meeting management is a key competitive advantage and one of the biggest ways to improve how you utilize your most important resources: the good humans doing the work. And yet, very few organizations place a big enough investment in enabling improvement in that one area. 

In fact, I’d say that the higher up leaders go, the more they tend to be the biggest offenders of perpetuating a wasteful meeting culture: too many, not enough purpose behind them, not enough productive use of time, and sometimes even seen as a cultural signal of who’s important—just… by… the number of meetings you’re in.

And that makes it all the more difficult to DIPLOMATICALLY decline wasteful meetings, because along with a lack of good-meeting competencies comes this strange phenomenon where the burden of attendance rests on those who are invited instead of the burden of attendance resting on the meeting owner having to CONVINCE those invited to attend.

It should be the latter. In a work environment where we all want to be efficient and NOT WASTE TIME, and effective BECAUSE WE ARE PRODUCTIVE, it shouldn’t be so challenging—or political—to decline a meeting.

When companies have effective meetings, they typically show effectiveness in all other areas: collaborations, cooperation, values-driven behaviors, critical thinking that’s able to get to the root cause of issues, and problem solving that can then come up with the right-size and right-type of solution.

AND, companies that know how to have effective meetings typically demonstrate a valuable respect for time, too: what it takes to best utilize a team’s time together AND how to respect an individual’s time.

 Now—quick note: I’m not talking about when leaders meet with various team members and employees as a means to connect with employees. Some companies call those mini-town halls, or skip-level meetings, or give catchy names like Croissants with Christa or Bagels with Bob. Think about those meetings: there’s a clear purpose and objective, and usually a clear agenda, too: Connect with employees, listen to employees, answer employee questions, offer insights directly from you as a leader, and give them a sense that they aren’t so far from the sun that they cannot thrive, even in downturns.

The meetings we all struggle with going to are the ones that lack a known purpose, seem to have no clear goals and rarely feel productive, and those we show up to wondering why we are there. We spend time on this during episode 35 so you can be that person at work who has such productive meetings that everyone wants to attend.

But most people in a corporate environment rightfully complain that there are too many meetings and not enough consideration of whether those meetings are needed OR whether they are the best use of everyone’s time. This is typically related either to legacy momentum or inertia, as is (it seems) the case with our listener, or an overall CULTURE of MEETINGS, where the norm is to… let’s have a meeting about this, which is GOOD… if you actually NEED to have a meeting about this, whatever “this” might be.

So, what do you do?

First, Read the Room…

First, all companies, divisions, departments, and teams have norms within it, so veering from the listener question for a moment: you have to get a read on what meetings signify from a cultural perspective before you consider a meeting decline strategy. I’ve worked at or consulted in companies where you were expected to go to TERRIBLE meetings simply because it was one of the more influential executives even though it was.. a… TERRIBLE meeting.

Then there were other organizations where everyone felt the same way, and even if the meeting owner WERE an executive, they also knew the meeting wasn’t where it needed to be: it’s just… no one knew how to put a stop to the meeting (that’s the inertia piece: it’s in play, it’s been in play, no one knows how to stop it).

For this episode, I’m addressing our listener’s question as it’s written: the culture is open, I’ve inferred that people are respectful and reasonable, changes are already underway, and my professional guess is people would not only be OPEN to reducing meetings, but would welcome it and probably feel relieved.

But as the saying goes, “read the room,” and this is especially important if you’re looking to do things in a diplomatic way. Then consider what the organization or your team gains by evaluating meeting attendance based on is purpose, objectives, and draft agenda. Think about and be ready to talk through how the organization could be BETTER as a result of reviewing whether all current meetings are still required. And also think about whether the design of existing meetings work, or what could make that better, too. 

All too often the second biggest mistake people make when creating a meeting is if they even HAVE an agenda, they pack everything in. It’s simply not well designed. It hits on every topic versus the most common denominators that need to be addressed with the people you have invited. 

The first biggest mistake is having a vague subject line and nothing else such that there is an expectation that those you invited are in attendance, yet they have no idea why they are there.

If you do your homework about the culture, believe your organization is open to change, and you can clearly articulate how changing the meetings will positively impact your organization, then you’re ready to start talking. If you aren’t sure whether your organization is open to change, but you can clearly still articulate the organizational improvement, I’d still encourage you to speak up in that “pro-social, in the spirit of improving the company” way. Maybe it’s not about introducing a way to decline a meeting, but rather, it’s about creating clarity for each meeting such that people know the purpose of the meeting, why THEY were asked to attend, some of the goals of the meeting, and a draft structure or draft agenda to have a sense of what will be discussed.

You might even introduce an “Opt-Out/Swap-Out” clause, which I talk about in Episode 35 also; meaning, when people understand the reason for the meeting, what’s intended to be achieved, and a few of the topics that will be discussed, they SHOULD be able to say, “Hi, thank you for including me—the information you provided was great because I’m not actually the one you want to attend this; I’m going to ask my teammate to attend instead because she’s far more involved in the topics you are looking to make decisions on.”

William Ury, an expert on negotiation and one of the few *I* read and listen to when I want to sharpen my own negotiation and influence skills, famously said, “If you want people to say yes, make it impossible to say no.” You see… anytime you want to make a change at work, it’s about influence—and negotiation. 

So, read the room. For our listener, it seems there are a lot of changes already taking place, so some may not have the appetite to address all the meetings at this time—BUT! The best changes are incremental in nature, and require savvy and well-considered influence and negotiation tactics, so… first, what do people have to gain with some small changes today? Maybe adding clarity to the meetings can make it far easier to decline, or opt-out / swap-out. It could be as easy as that.

Second, Talk to Your Manager …

After you consider the culture you’re in, the norms about meetings, and you’ve thought through your “pitch,” per se, run it by your manager. This isn’t for permission as much as it’s for a second read of the room—a second set of eyes that can help consider the probable success of your suggested improvements. Maybe your manager is part of the problem, so—read the room there, too. There are a lot of ways to prepare for a discussion about changing norms that are embedded in the culture. When it comes to meetings, and if you’re in a culture of too many meetings, many times the first discussion isn’t about removing them or declining them (after all, if you want to do something diplomatically it means you are sensitive enough to do it with tact and consideration of how well it will be received). Many times, the first discussion is about bringing clarity to them so the attendees can offer suggestions for who the best people are to attend OR EVEN whether the meeting is needed.

In this way, suggesting clarity for meetings doesn’t pose a threat to canceling them, nor does it insinuate they may not be important—remember, this is about being diplomatic about skipping wasteful meetings. It’s about enabling a better understand about WHAT the meetings ARE about.

And, once more, any suggestions for change must be in the best interest of the bigger picture: the team, the department, the organization. 

In the case of our listener’s question, it sounds like listener has this in the plan already, which is great—and truly, it’s less about permission and more about having the gains of another person involved in case you missed something—or even to have someone supporting you and in your corner if someone else doesn’t like the idea of what you’re proposing.

Additional Resources

After that, it’s just a matter of learning how to tactfully decline meetings, and there are A LOT of resources out there to help you with this, so FOR YOUR Resources, and there are a few for this episode, I’ve included research, general business articles, and two YouTube videos.

The first resource is from November 2022 called “Too many meetings suffocate morale & productivity.” It was published in Forbes and written by George Deeb. I’m providing it because it offers an effective way to position an argument about what our listener is talking about: changing the number of meetings in their work environment.

I also provide research on planning and facilitating effective meetings—but hold on, you know I’d never point you toward a painful read. It’s the 2019 paper from LeBlanc and Nosik called “Planning and leading effective meetings. Behavior Analysis in Practice.” Read the section called, “Planning and Leading Effective Meetings,” then go to whatever section after that that speaks to you in terms of the different meeting types, then take a look at Table 1. I’m providing this to you so you can see what the research says, based on empirical evidence, so you can strengthen your position if needed.

The rest of your resources are about how to decline meetings. I’ve included an article that offers examples of how to say no politely to how to say no without feeling guilty about saying no. We’ve all been there.

The last two resources are videos featuring William Ury, who I mentioned earlier. The first is a video called “William Ury on Conflict Resolution 2.0,” and he talks about his views about dealing with difficult conflicts as well as three things to manage through what he calls a time of conflict: perspective, a way out, and help from others. I’m including this because making change at work—with meeting structures or meetings overall, or ANYTHING—WILL create conflict, and it’s one of the most important areas to understand about human nature if you’re going to move forward with… change. He’s very easy to listen to—an anthropologist by training, his talks always include a smile, and I’ve yet to know anyone who doesn’t get a lot out of his work. The video is an easy watch at almost 15 minutes.

The second video is his 2010 TEDx Midwest talk called “The walk from “no” to “yes.” It’s packed with important points related to conflict, dealing with differences, and managing through negotiations in some of the most harrowing situations—and while changing a culture of poor meeting management might SEEM like a harrowing situation, you’ll see what I mean when you view his talk. It’s very good, and if you want to make changes at work, you need to learn about and understand a key aspect of transformation and change: managing through the conflicts it will necessarily create in order to build the belief that the changes should take place AND get the actual change you are looking for. (once again… episode four goes into more detail about change management if that’s something of interest.

Wrap Up & Submitting Your Questions

And that’s a wrap for EPISODE 42!!! We’re almost halfway through Season 4, focused on listener questions related to Doing the Work!

Submit your question on my show’s site, AskChrista.com, that’s Christa with a C-H, where you will see all my episodes listed based on category and season. While your there—sign up for my More Answers… newsletter, where you will receive additional content on Sunday nights to set you up for the work week.

As always—thank you for your support. And remember, if you have a business challenge or a workplace issue—Ask Christa!