Ask Christa! How Can I Ask a Co-Worker to Tone it Down? (S4E44)

Introduction

Hi everyone and welcome to Ask Christa! the place where you can ask questions about how to work through business challenges and workplace issues. I'm Christa Dhimo and today’s listener question is about team dynamics and a few issues we all experience, talk about, grapple with, and often have NO IDEA how to manage: wanting to change something about someone’s personal style.

Listener Question

Here’s the question: “I work in a team that supports Sales. There are six of us and we support six territories. We are all market analysts, so with analytical minds we have a rational style, but there’s one person in our team who is so over the top that I feel drained every time I’m in a meeting with her. She’s loud, dominates the discussions, and has so much enthusiasm that I feel she should be in the sales team, not the analytics team. I’ve been on the team for three years. She joined last winter. She’s very personable, and everyone loves her, and I can see why, but others on the team also wish she’d be less of herself sometimes. It feels hard to deal with her and hard to manage the energy even though she’s so pleasant and nice. She also gets her work done, so I feel like I can’t complain, but I’m getting to a point when I feel like I can’t work well near her. How can I ask my co-worker to tone it down?”

What Is Your Objective FOR a Change so You be Objective ABOUT a Change?

My first advice to everyone is to always focus on your objectives. Write your grievances down, you can address those, but first and foremost whenever you are seeking a change or an adjustment—ESPECIALLY when it comes to someone’s behavior—Focus. On. Your. Objectives.

You might be asking, what do our objectives have to do with a team member’s annoying behavior? OK—stay with me. I’m asking you to start with your objectives so you can be… objective.

Some of what I heard is not objective. It’s personal, specific to personal styles, and more of a grievance with a dose of “I just don’t like parts of who she is.”

For example, our listener assumes that, and I quote, “… with analytical minds we have a rational style…” (end quote) but I refute that—absolutely. Analytical minds tend to be highly creative, able to absorb vast amounts of data and make it into information that drive decisions, and offer context and wisdom or research along the way to add depth and perspective to what drives those decisions. Yes… the mechanics of analytics are FOR SURE rational, but so much of being a successful analyst is how you relate to and what you RELAY to other good humans SO THAT THEY can do something with your analysis. 

The best analysts are… people-people.

I also heard our listener say, the co-worker, and I quote “… has so much enthusiasm that… she should be in the sales team, not the analytics team…” (end quote). Again—not objective, and a heavy judgment not just on the co-worker but also on the sales team. Our listener prefaced the enthusiasm comment with reporting that the co-worker is, and I quote, “… loud,” and quote “dominates the discussions,” (end quotes).

To our listener’s credit: they also report that the co-worker is personable, that everyone loves her and that our listener can see why, AND that the co-worker gets her work done. And… that leads me to believe our listener is kind, considerate-- CAN be objective… and is probably just at their wits-end because of how drained they feel, as they said, after interacting with the co-worker.

And that’s fair. It’s also the name of the game when working in a team. As the saying goes, “it takes all kinds.”

So, let’s go back to the beginning: what is your objective for a change so you can be objective about a change? Our listener wrote about concerns that they might not work well around their co-worker if this isn’t addressed, and that’s an objective, objective. That’s the foundation of the issue, and I quote, " getting to a point when I feel like I can’t work well near her.” (end quote). THAT must be the focus.

And chances are, it’s not about their co-worker toning it down or being the only one to make a change. The best adjustment will BE an adjustment for both of them, and perhaps the entire team.

High Functioning Teams Are Aware and They Care

Now…. I’m going to say a REALLY cringey phrase that is also really true: high functioning teams are aware and care. I know—I KNOW!! It’s sounds so… squishy… but it’s SO TRUE!!!!

High functioning teams aren’t high-functioning because they tell people who and how they can be. You can certainly have a small functional team by doing that, but it will only take you so far, and you’ll never get to a high functioning spot. And if you’re going to address the complex and VERY COMPLICATED aspects of interpersonal team dynamics, you might as well aim to be a high functioning team, otherwise you’ll have moment-by-moment and daily issues of mediocrity.

So…. High functioning teams: they first and foremost have awareness, starting with self-awareness: 

I know I’m a quieter type who likes to think before I talk, 

I know I’m a more exuberant type who talks IN ORDER to think,

I know I don’t like confrontation so I may seethe behind closed doors instead of addressing my issues,

I know if I don’t keep my enthusiasm in check, I may unintentionally dominate the discussion…

All of these statements are areas of self-awareness, and you can see how that, as a first step, could REALLY shift the dynamics our listener told us about in their submission.

After awareness, the team actually has to CARE about the functionality of the team, and if you want to get into the high-functioning space, you have to ALSO care about how YOUR behaviors—and all that good-human self-awareness I just talked about—might and probably DOES impact others on the team. 

The caring part means you see how a few adjustments in YOUR behavior and style and perspective could make for good changes everywhere, and when all the team members think that way, imagine the magic that happens. 

By the way, I’m not saying you aren’t who you are, or it doesn’t mean you change who you are or what you believe in. What I’m saying is you make… some… adjustments. And they can be small, but mighty.

Changes in Team Dynamics is a Team Sport

After that, it’s about agreement on an adjustment, commitment to follow through, and accountability to help each other work differently while appreciating and respecting how the adjustment changes the dynamic for the better. 

And then there’s ongoing work, because maybe the first adjustment isn’t the right one. The more open the team members can be with each other—without denying their individual nature or making it into a personal rejection or harsh judgment—the less tension they will feel.

And of course, all of this should be facilitated by a trained manager or professional. Yes, I know I know-- I realize what I’m saying sounds great ON PAPER, but… this is why solid management training and good management is soooo important, or at least having highly qualified organizational effectiveness experts involved in your organization, even if contracted on an as-needed basis. 

Somewhere along the way a lot of this became luxuries instead of imperatives—yet imagine if this situation where to fester and never be properly resolved? You wouldn’t just lose the consistent performance of one team member, but probably THREE: our listener, the other team member the listener mentions who may be getting bothered also, AND… eventually… the co-worker. Sooner or later things will erupt, and someone WILL try to douse her light and tone her down, and then what will you get? Not her enthusiasm. And that would be… bad.

Final Thoughts

Here are my final thoughts: When I first read our listener’s submission, I easily saw the options available because there is clear middle ground. Additionally, there’s no question that our listener is patient and considerate of their co-workers and very, very able to OBJECTIVELY see many strengths in their co-worker. 

But there’s also no question that our listener is understandably struggling with such a difference in personality and working styles, and that needs to be addressed—without telling our listener that they have to learn how to deal OR telling our listener’s co-worker that they have to tone it down.

Our listener’s objective might be to feel less overwhelmed by their co-worker so that our listener doesn’t need recharge or even RECOVERY time after a meeting. And we DEFINITELY want our listener to be in a work environment where they feel they can get their work done.

So, first: raise awareness about how the co-worker’s exuberance and enthusiasm and dominance during meetings impacts her co-worker, and perhaps more than one co-worker. Given the limited information we have, my guess is when facilitated properly, the co-worker will feel badly that her nature impacted her co-worker or co-workers as it did, and perhaps some quick adjustments can be that she writes down her thoughts and at the end of the meeting, everyone has a couple of minutes to share their insights and fresh takes on what was discussed.

Next: agree to that one adjustment that can be made, the one with the highest impact.

Then consider how you’ll all hold each other accountable with the understanding that this is a living adjustment and additional tweaks and adjustments will be made as you all work more effectively together. 

Additional Resources

For your resources, I’ve included an article from Birkman called, “The most powerful ways to improve your Team Dynamics.” It’s from March 2024, and there’s a section in the article that highlights how over-used strengths can create obstacles and roadblocks within a team dynamic. I think it will speak to our listener and probably a lot of you seeking ways to better understand how to work well within a team. Quick note: I’m not affiliated with Birkman or the Birkman Method, but they have great insights about organizational performance.

Next article: AN INCREDIBLE MODULE ABOUT LEADING TEAMS   from the University of Minnesota. I have to say, I applaud and LOOOOOOVE universities that offer tools like this to the public. Definitely give this a view. They include a lot of additional articles and research papers, too—and remember, most good business research is APPLIED research, which means it’s designed to study real-world situations so that the research is applied IN and FOR real-world situations.

I also included a foundational article that explores the basics AND offers solid strategies to improve team dynamics. The article is written by Madeline Miles from June 2022. It’s on the BetterUp site, and the article is called, “6 winning strategies to improve team dynamics.” It includes three real-world scenarios to emphasize different dynamics and also includes a list of what bad team dynamics look like.

Last, I offer a much headier and dense article from McKinsey called, “Go, teams: When teams get healthier, the whole organization benefits.” It’s from October 2024, and while anyone can say, “well yeah, duh… of course organizations benefit when teams are healthier,” we all know winning the focus and budget battle to assure teams ARE working effectively is a problem area for A LOT of companies. If you’re finding some issues getting the help and support you need at your organization, this article will give you the evidence and support you need to build a strong case.

Wrap Up & Submitting Your Questions

And that’s a wrap for Episode 44 of Season 4 where we’re focused on Doing the Work! We have just four more episodes to this season, then we’re in Season 5 where we’ll be focused on questions that ask about career growth.

Submit your question on my show’s site, AskChrista.com, that’s Christa with a C-H, where you will see all my episodes listed based on category and season. While your there—sign up for my More Answers… newsletter, where you will receive additional content on Sunday nights to set you up for the work week.

As always—thank you for your support. And remember, if you have a business challenge or a workplace issue—Ask Christa!