My Manager Puts Me Down, What Do I Do? (Ask Christa S6E72)

Introduction

Hi everyone and welcome to Ask Christa! where I answer listener questions about business challenges and workplace issues. I’m Christa Dhimo, and I offer my show as a free resource to help people get through common day to day issues at work. I do this as a commitment to my listeners and of course the listener questions, but you know how it helps if you like and subscribe wherever you’re watching or listening—and I THANK YOU for the support.

This is episode 72, which is the last episode in Season SIX, focused on Dealing with Bad Bosses—but don’t worry! With the number of questions I’ve received lately, all about the topic of dealing with bad bosses, I’ve decided to extend this theme into Season Seven, which starts next week.

Today’s episode is about how to manage a situation when your boss puts you down and belittles you. This has, unfortunately, become a more prevalent behavior in recent years, especially during high stress times and in the absence of appropriate management training to help managers deal with THEIR stress, so they aren’t taking it out on their employees.

Listener Question

Here’s the listener question, “I recently got re-org’d to work for a boss who put people down then pretends it was just a joke. He never gets in trouble for it. He recently belittled and embarrassed me in front of the team by saying my accent drives him crazy because he can’t understand what I rattle on about half the time, and that’s a direct quote. He actually said “rattle on about.” 

I was very embarrassed, but also infuriated. I grew up in Atlanta Georgia, but I’ve been living in Brooklyn and working in Manhattan for over 15 years.  If I ever spoke so quickly that someone couldn’t understand me, they simply asked me to slow down, and I did. No insults, no unprofessional behavior, no problems. And Atlanta doesn’t have such a thick accent, so I took his comment to be more about me being from the south than me having a thick accent.

I had a good meeting with my mentor yesterday, and we have a plan, but I stumbled upon your show and thought to send in a note about this, too. What advice do you have for others who have a boss who puts them down?” 

Put-Downs Are About Power Dynamics, Too

And thank you, that’s a GREAT question. I have received A LOT of questions asking me how to manage a boss who bullies and demeans and belittles others, and it’s particularly hard when they fall back on this feeble attempt to retreat from accountability and say, “it was just a joke,” and then usually follow up with another insult, “don’t you have a sense of humor?”

I do want to point out that Episode 63 from this season focused on a listener questions about how to help a teammate when they observed the boss belittling others. In that episode, I talked about policies, laws, ways to report, and use of hotlines. I also provided resources for situations when the company is small and/or does not have those resources available.

And in in Season 2, Episode 17, I talk about how to manage when a boss displays bad behavior. The episode focuses on toxic workplaces, going to trusted resources for assistance, and various resources to consider.

In addition, our listener describes a belittling situation, but many of the questions I’ve received about bad boss behavior is down-right abusive, and abuse is about power dynamics. By pushing people down and keeping them there, the dominant person, the one with perceived or actual power, often considered the abuser in this situation, not only maintains control, but somehow enables fealty and loyalty and conformity from those experiencing the power dynamic and control. Now, in our listener’s case, they’re not describing coercive behavior where our listener feels they have to suddenly suck up to or conform to everything the boss wants, but my guess is there’s at least one person in the room thinking, “uh oh, how do I suck up to the boss so he doesn’t do that to me?”

When Power Dynamics Become Abusive at Work

Strictly speaking from a business theory perspective, the workplace is designed to align resources, then allocate and utilize them in the best ways possible to get the work done. This traditional model follows the design where the boss is accountable for the employees, from their performance to their development and so forth. It also means the boss it very literally in control of what can make an employee’s life good or bad, from allocation and work load to development opportunities, and from rewards and recognition to the basics of getting paid. 

That means there is a power dynamic that, if not managed within a framework of respect and dignity, can lead to a style of coercion, unhealthy power dynamics, and yes… mental and emotional abuse. About ten years ago we saw a spike in naming and then rooting out top leaders of large companies and organizations who very clearly overstepped the lines of their power, exploiting the dynamics in order to coerce employees into doing, saying, or believing in things they otherwise wouldn’t do, say, or believe.

I’ll include episodes 63 and 17 in the show notes so you can learn about key actions to take if you feel you’re in an abusive, and therefore unethical or policy-breaking, relationship with your boss.

For this episode, I’m going to focus on steps you can take to give yourself some cognitive and emotional relief and create some space—because if the boss’s defense for HIS bad behavior is how YOU have a flawed sense of humor, you’re not going to get far. 

Talk, Know, Seek Advice (not opinions, but ADVICE)

First, and as our listener has done: know your resources. Talk to a trusted partner, co-worker, mentor, or friend, and be very explicit with what you probably need from them: just to listen. This is especially important if you’ve been in an environment where, for a prolonged time, you’ve been told you’re the one with the problem if you cannot accept an insult or a display of outward hostility laced with personal insults, as our listener described. It will be important for you to just talk it out, and SO MANY PEOPLE will want to share their opinion on the matter, cloaked in the style of offering advice.

Now’s not the time for advice, though. Now’s the time to talk, because you probably haven’t done that yet. Just. Talk. Say what you’ve experienced out loud. Make it real, because it’s not you and your flawed sense of humor. If this is what you’re hearing from your boss: insults, put-downs, demeaning language, that’s not about humor. That’s about power. And it’s inappropriate in the workplace.

Next: as I always say, read up on your policies. Some companies don’t follow or care about their own policies, but they are usually the basis of litigation, and I’ll say this: over the last 7 or 8 years, there have been a lot of employment lawyers representing employees than ever before, and guess what they work into their cases? (yeah… the policies)

Then consider what you may need. DO you want advice? If so, I recommend being VERY specific and thoughtful about where you go for advice. Be sure it’s someone who understands the workings of an organization such that they aren’t telling you how to manage your boss before they’re telling you how to understand your environment. Every work place is different, and for our listener, they’re in a workplace that has allowed and enabled a manager to behave inappropriately AND in a way that will absolutely have an effect on performance—LOWERING the team’s performance. Now, we don’t know if something is happening in the background or what the context is for this manager to be in his position at this time, but there are environments that look the other way, and there are CEOs who behave that way, and there are people who do not get promoted unless and until they can take an insult. 

So as you seek out advice, think about what kind of advice you need. If you don’t, then you’ll get opinions, not advice. Things, like, “I think you should just get another job,” even if that’s not practical or achievable for you—and that’s not advice. That’s an opinion. Or, “Just ignore him, he’ll eventually move on or won’t care anymore,” which tells you to expend extra energy pretending something that bothers you doesn’t exist—and that’s not advice, either. That’s an opinion.  Or this one, “Try to see things from his way, maybe he’s really trying to be funny,” which… don’t even get me started.

Seek out advice, and be specific both in terms of where you go, who you ask, and what kind of advice you need. If it’s to go beyond being an opinion, it has to be rooted in reality, practical, in service to you, and offer a constructive path forward.

Additional Resources

For your resources, located in the show notes, I’ve started with an EXCELLENT video from Jennifer Brick. It’s from June 2025 and it’s called, “How to Deal with a Toxic Boss When You Can’t QUIT.” OH MY GOODNESS watch this video. She’s so RELATABLE and SO PRACTICAL!! And I recommend you follow her channel as part of your resource bin so you can turn to her content when needed. She starts with three caveats to consider so you can adjust her advice—NOT OPINIONS—for what will help you the most.

The second resource is a TEDx talk from Natalie Parker—it just dropped a week ago, and it’s called, “How to handle a bad boss,” and … YEAH… this is another one. Watch it. She describes what I know A LOT of you can related to. Micromanaging behaviors, control issues, even questioning whether someone can address a family emergency without being challenged about who will be doing the work?

Last is an excellent read from Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries. It’s on the INSEAD Knowledge site, and the article is called, “How to handle a toxic boss.” The five steps may not be practical for most, but the way Professor Kets de Vries describes the environment of a toxic boss and the resources that he offers are often just what we need to re-inflate ourselves, especially if we’re in an environment where we feel put down and demeaned.

Wrap Up & Submitting Your Question

And there it is, Episode 72 from season six focused on Dealing with Bad Bosses. Like and subscribe here, but also go to my site and send in YOUR question. It’s AskChrista.com, that’s Christa with a C-H. You’ll also see answers to other questions, listed by category and season, and every season has a theme. As always, thank you for your support. And remember, if you have a business challenge or a workplace issue—Ask Christa!