My Manager is Terrible at Feedback-- How Can I Coach Him? (Ask Christa! S6E65)

Introduction

Hi everyone and welcome to Ask Christa! where I answer listener questions about business challenges and workplace issues. I’m Christa Dhimo and this is episode 65 in Season SIX as we continue focusing on Dealing with Bad Bosses. Remember, most people aren’t prepared to become a manager, and if you’re having issues with YOUR boss, chances are your boss is having issues with THEIR boss, too, and that keeps the bad-boss cycle going.

Today’s episode is about what to do when your boss is TERRIBLE with giving feedback, and let’s face it: most people are terrible at giving feedback, but it’s especially distressing when it’s your BOSS.

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Listener Question

Here’s the listener question, “My manager is terrible with giving feedback, but it seems like he thinks he’s great at it. It’s so bad that all of us on his team now talk about it openly with each other, sometimes finding humor in it just to cope. There isn’t a week that goes by when we aren’t sending memes from The Office. I can’t pinpoint what the exact issue is because it’s all of it. I have ambitions to become a manager, so I’ve looked on line to learn about various things related to being an effective manager, and that made it worse for me. Now I know how easy it is to learn about some of these skills, and how bad he continues to be. For example, the timing is always wrong, it’s awkward, he goes on and on like he doesn’t know how to close it up, it’s usually his opinion on things with no actual relevance, and it’s mostly him telling us how he wants us to do our jobs instead of helping us do better.

Most on the team disregard any feedback he gives, but last year he dinged a couple of us on our performance reviews for not applying his feedback for how we do our work. Both of us escalated that to HR, citing that his feedback wasn’t related to our performance, it was just his opinion of how he would do our job versus how we actually do our job. HR agreed and our performance reviews were re-written with no issues at all, but it doesn’t seem like much else was done: like helping our manager actually give good feedback. I’d actually like to help him if I can. How should I coach him on a better way to give feedback?”

Wooo—OH-KAY! There’s a lot to talk about here, and I’ll break each point down in the chapters for those who want to skip through a few difference layers, here, because there’s the fact that our listener is putting their judgment aside and wants to COACH their manager for success, the fact that you need to be working with COACHABLE person for that to be successful—also that management is a technical role… and the problem is few people understand that. Then there’s the fact that giving effective feedback is hard to do: it’s an ART and a SCIENCE, because you need to be eloquent and savvy but also understand the right techniques that actually WORK when you want to deliver feedback, especially if you’re trying to help someone ELSE delivery feedback.

A Common Situation: Managers Have No Feedback Skills

First: I love that our listener has taking it upon themselves to learn about effective management. It pains me to know how the lack of management training is the root of so many performance issues in EVERY organization—but it also pains me to know how accessible quick learnings are for managers to consider building their skills even if their company isn’t mandating it or paying for it. After all, our technical skills for ANY job make us better at our CURRENT job AND make us more competitive when we prepare to move on to a new job.

I also appreciate that our listener is willing to see an issue, take action to impact it for the better, and is doing so with the team AND the manager’s best interests in mind. I have received A LOT of questions about managers who create nightmare situations because they do not know how to give effective feedback. And since the employee-manager relationship is one of the most impactful and important ones in the workplace, this is a part of management that I wish ALL organizations spent a good about of time on. Then I wished they ASSESSED an employee on these skills ahead of any promotion into management—that you had to pass the muster of effective feedback BEFORE a promotion to management.

Just imagine how effective every organization would become if this ONE SKILL were considered a requirement.

Coaching Requires a Willingness to Be Coached

Here’s the first-step golden rule about coaching someone: they have to be coachable, and that doesn’t start with you and your want of coaching them. It that starts with them and their willingness to be coached. 

That means they want to learn and develop, they believe coaching is in their best interest, they feel safe enough with the person wanting to offer coaching, and they are willing to listen and applying what’s being provided—even if they may not agree with it.

They also need to be open to having gaps in their technical skills, which we all have. As you grow and develop as a professional, those gaps are fewer and farther between each other, and they are reasonably filled, but that doesn’t mean gaps don’t persist OR that you are unaware of newer and better ways to work.

Management is a Technical Role

But here’s the kicker: management is a technical role, but most organizations hardly see it that way. It’s like how project management roles were 25 years ago, where organizations thought of project managers as those who track tasks and keep a schedule in Excel updated. Most organizations these days understand and appreciate that project management is far more technical than that—usually BECAUSE it’s a people-driven role with technical people skills that go far beyond tracking task completion. 

It’s like that with management roles also, and just like how specialty coaches in sports offer teaching and various programs to learn and practice technical skills in sports, organizational coaches (as our listener is, in fact, offering to do for their manager) offer teaching and various programs to learn and practice technical skills for the organization.

Technical manager skills include: how to listen when you’re stressed out or tired, how to set priorities during a set work week AND how to make responsible decisions when there are various expectations to make EVERYTHING a priority beyond the 40-hour (or other set-time) workweeks, and of course, how to manage a team to be their best every day, whatever “best” might be for that day. This, of course, includes delivering effective feedback. And that last one? Feedback? That has become one of the toughest skills to practice and do well, for a variety of reasons.

Giving Effective Feedback is Hard to Do

So if your manager is coachable and you’re clear on the technical aspects of a manager role, and for our listener it sounds like they are given the amount of extra training they have done independent of and in addition to their work,  there are ways to coach someone to be better at giving effective feedback… and you’ll do that by… giving effective feedback.

Feedback is an art and a science: an art, because it elicits emotions and thoughts and various feelings before during and after, and a science because there are thousands of studies that support some best practices with this—practices that are effective because they are supported by empirical evidence locked in with a p-value of significance… which is tech-talk for a confidence interval of 95% and above.

I’ll include specifics in the show notes, as well as a link to  few of my previous episodes that focus on feedback. Now, we don’t know if our listener here needs help with the potential of their manager becoming defensive, but defensive behavior and the anxiety associated with a defensive person is one of the biggest reasons why people cannot, do not, or will not deliver effective feedback. 

Feedback as an Art and a Science

But still—there are effective ways to do it, and for our listener, I would prepare your purpose and objective ahead of a coaching discussion. It might sound like this, “Hi manager, one of the areas I’m most interested in as I consider a possible future in a manager role is how to deliver effective feedback. I’m involved in self-directed study, and one of the resources I use has offered ways I can start coaching others on effective feedback. Would you be open to me practicing this skill on you as part of my development?”

I’m framing it this way to take the bite out of approaching your manager with a “you need to do better” statement, which will likely create a lot of new problems (obviously). But I’m also framing this way because that’s part of what I heard from our listener. Taking this approach is the “art” of feedback: it’s not JUST about coaching your manager to make things easier for everyone, including your manager—whether they think so or not—but it’s ALSO about having a development opportunity for you to coach someone.

Your Feedback Approach is the Art of Feedback

The art is in assuring the purpose and objective is upfront and direct while also offering a safe proposal where you’re being honest about intent: truly, this is an opportunity for our listener to PRACTICE what they are learning, and that’s how it should be considered. You are not in an expert position outside of the team where psychological safety is at a distance. This is you approaching your manager—someone who has already downgraded a performance plan because our listener and a team member did not operate the way the manager expected them to. That tells me there is some level of rigidity in the manager’s mindset, at least as it relates to how work is being done even if the outcome is met or exceeded in expectations.

So… that’s the biggest part of the art: how you approach, and being upfront and honest about the purpose and objectives in a way that eases your ask for both parties. ONE of your intentions is to improve how your manager delivers feedback because you believe he’s terrible at it, but the art of approach is determining if that’s the MOST IMPORTANT aspect to convey as your purpose, or if it’s bigger than how YOU feel about his feedback style. The bigger purpose is sharing what you’ve learned and doing so in a reverse-coaching direction: you are providing the coaching to your boss.

Your Feedback Technique is the Science of Feedback

The science is much easier, believe it or not. 

Focus on behaviors only—observable behaviors. What did you SEE. Not how did you feel, not whether you agreed with something, and not whether someone did their work the way YOU thought they should (manager). But what you saw, have seen, and can point to.

Then give a one-liner about the impact that behavior had or is having followed by what you would like to see change or continue.

YES—CONTINUE. This is a great feedback model because it applies to positive reinforcement and positive feedback when someone did something so good that you HAVE to let them know the impact it had and that you hope they keep doing it.

This feedback model is called BIC: B for Behavior, I for Impact, C for Change or Continue.

How to Give Your Manager Feedback About Feedback

In fact, for our listener, you might want to break your feedback down into two parts:

Part 1:

“I appreciate that you prepare and then provide us with feedback (that’s the behavior) because it shows us that you’re plugged in and know that we’re doing in our jobs. It always feels good to know your boss is plugged in (that’s the impact). I hope you continue to care about my work that way (that’s’ the continue). 

Part 2:

At the same time, last week we both agreed I’m doing great work and that my outcomes are consistently top-notch. But then you focused on how you wanted me to do my work—that you wanted me to do it the way YOU would do it (that’s the behavior). And that gets confusing, because at this point in my career and based on the discussions we have about my performance, we agree I’m doing a good job—it’s confusing because… I have to do my job the way I would do it, not the way you or someone else would do it. That’s why I operate at the level I operate and do the good work I do. (that’s the impact). Can we work out a way for you to shift your feedback on my outcomes instead of how I’m doing my work? (that’s the change)

Prepare and try it, or… review the additional resources and learn learn learn. Feedback is an art—backed by science… and when it comes to coaching people to improve their feedback skills, you don’t have to tell them you’ve doing to do it—just do it.

Additional Resources

For your resources, located in the show notes, I’ve included a fantastic article from the University of Minnesota Office of Human Resources from April 2025. It’s called “How coachable are your employees?” and it focuses on how to identify, approach, and get involved with employees when it comes to coaching them through change and new behaviors—or ways to continue elevating their performance. It reviews what makes someone coachable, how to identify the right fit, and different zones of coaching. It’s a great way to learn about the first step of coaching: whether someone is coachable. As an aside, every day I’m thinking of those in Minneapolis and across all of Minnesota, and I’m doing my part behind the scenes to continue supporting as I’m able.

Next up, a thorough article that gets into the art and science of feedback: an article in Positive Psychology News from Kathryn Britton called, "How to Give Feedback so People Can Hear It.” It’s from October 2009, and has never been so relevant.

I’ve also included three previous Ask Christa! Episodes that focus specifically on giving feedback, and I offer these not just as shameless plugs, but because they are answering listener questions about different aspects of giving feedback:

Season 2, episode 15 focuses on how to Give Feedback to a Defensive Team Member, and episode 16 from the same season is about Managing an Interrupting Boss. Last, from Season 4 episode 46: how to approach a work friend to meet deadlines. Each episode focuses on a delicate situation, with a lot of interpersonal dynamics and power dynamics, too.

Feedback is hard, but doesn’t have to be as hard on us and our employees as we make it. It’s a very technical skill that requires a lot of finesse, so put away any assumptions that it can be done effectively without enough knowledge and practice.

And… thank you for looking out for your team mates AND your manager.

Wrap Up & Submitting Your Question

And there it is, Episode 65 as we continue season six focused on Dealing with Difficult Bosses. Please like and subscribe here, but why not send in a question? Go to my site, AskChrista.com, that’s Christa with a C-H and click on Submit Your Question. You’ll also see other episodes there, listed by category and season, and every season has a theme. And sign up for my More Answers newsletter to get quick tips and resource boosts for the workplace.

As always, thank you for your support. And remember, if you have a business challenge or a workplace issue—Ask Christa!