My Boss is a Perfectionist, How Do I Deal? (Ask Christa! S6E70)

Hi everyone and welcome to Ask Christa! where I answer listener questions about business challenges and workplace issues. I’m Christa Dhimo, and first—a quick reminder! My show is a free resource to help people get through common day to day issues at work. I keep it going because of the questions I receive and my listeners, but it helps if you like and subscribe wherever you’re watching or listening—and I THANK YOU for the support.

This is episode 70 in Season SIX. In this season we’re focused on bad bosses, and since most people aren’t prepared to be a manager, either lacking trained skills and practice or simply encumbered by an organization that doesn’t emphasize the importance of management, there are a lot of bad bosses out there.

Today’s episode is about perfectionism—from your BOSS—which is a tricky situation to be in because perfectionism has a lot to do with perception and unattainable standards that can never be satisfied.

Listener Question

Here’s the listener question, “My boss is a self-proclaimed perfectionist. He’s been my boss for almost a year after I got a promotion, and I don’t think I can work with him anymore. My last boss was amazing. She focused on how everyone in her team could be and do better, she walked us through the reasons behind her feedback, she guided us in a way that helped us learn how to manage the politics, not just the work. She didn’t talk about her own preferences or needs nearly as much as he does, and all that makes this situation feel worse.

My current boss nit-picks on everything and it feels like crazy things that have nothing to do with how well I’m doing my job. It’s more about whether I’m doing things exactly like he would and then whether it’s perfect enough for him even when others are pleased with my work. For example, last week I presented the status of my project in front of leadership with my project team present, and during the discussion I said we were entering a new phase, showcasing the good work the team has done. It was a good news story and the team was beaming. 

After the meeting, my boss pulled me aside and told me he prefers the word, “stage” because to him “phase” means a new project. He must have seen my face trying to take in his feedback while also wondering why a style-difference like that would be his focus instead of how well the meeting went. He said, “you know me, I’m a perfectionist.” 

He never mentioned anything else about the meeting and in truth, if he told me I should use the word, “stage” instead of “phase” because it would make me more effective with my communications and walked me through some context, it would be much easier to embrace me having to use a word and term I would never otherwise use. But this is what I’ve come to learn about him: ALL of his feedback is always about what HE prefers and what HE wants to see me do.

It feels oppressive and controlling more than perfectionism, I’m starting to worry that I’ll only ever be criticized for style-related things that are the very things that enabled this promotion for me. I’m talking with my former boss, and she’s helping me and getting HR involved to coach me and my new boss, but I thought to ask you also. I can’t be the only one dealing with a perfectionist boss. How do I deal?”

It’s a Big Question That Needs Big Answers

Oh boy. There’s a lot here, and this is an example of why I love these questions: there’s a lot of context that I’m HOPE many of you do not have to deal with, but something tells me there are a lot of people who probably CAN relate. And it does feel oppressive and controlling when you have a boss who is asking you to do things differently, outside of your personal style, simply because that’s his preference without any negative impact to your performance or to those working around you. In this case, it’s natural to feel and believe that if you do not make some of these changes, it will show up in your performance review, and that’s a realistic concern, so I’m glad our listener has gone to their former boss for some support.

So this is really tough and definitely deserves a far deeper review of perfectionism at work, especially if it’s coming from your boss. Perfectionism is a challenging personality trait because, for starters, it comes from a  place where someone believes perfection even exists… and in a dynamic, ever-changing, perspective-driven workplace filled with humans who all have a different dynamic, ever-changing, perspective-driven definition of what perfect looks like, no one will ever align to a single view of what “perfect” looks like. They’ll always be chasing for that one tweak, that one adjustment, that one extra step… 

Understanding Boss Perfectionism at Work

It’s really hard when you perceive your boss as being a perfectionist, and perhaps even harder when your boss is a self-proclaimed perfectionist worn as a badge of honor, because perfectionism, by definition, is the constant chasing of what is perfect… and that, also by definition, means nothing will ever seem good enough.

And if THAT’S true, then the team might never even MEET the boss’s expectations, much less have a chance to exceed them. And that means a perfectionist boss may impact the team’s ability to be recognized for good work, developed, promoted, and simply treated with dignity and respect, where the good work they’re doing is valued and accepted as it is and not what the boss wishes it could be.

Even if a boss ISN’T striving for perfection, but instead wants excellence from their team, no one can sustain excellence forever. The best athletes need rest and recovery, and the best employees do, too. In times when employees must deliver excellence, I always advise managers to determine how the team can balance each other out, where each goes for excellence at different times so they can have times to simply meet expectations and doing their jobs. After all, if everyone is running at excellence all the time, how do they learn? How do they have space to be less than excellent so that OTHER work styles can be focused on and practiced, such as exploration, creativity, innovation, and solving big problems. If you’re always and only focused on excellence, it leaves very little room for equally important work styles that contribute critical aspects to organizational performance.

Unfortunately, boss perfection at work can often be positively reinforced by way of leadership notes like, “Your team did it again, amazing accomplishments!” without understanding the impact it may have on the team.

OR worse, and as is often the case, boss perfectionism isn’t about how the team looks outwardly, it’s about how the boss feels about the team inwardly. For many people, chasing after perfection is a relentless and never-ending chase, seeking to feel satisfied on the inside without understanding that if your goal is perfection, you’ll likely never attain it.

Here is where some tips and tricks for managing expectations of a boss could help, and since my episodes are meant to offer quick answers followed by additional resources, I’ll have more for you in the show notes.

The Value of Your Performance Plan

There are times when a boss’s expectation of perfection is so difficult or out of touch with what can practically be accomplished that it leads to unhealthy behaviors that create a hostile workplace and a demotivated and demoralized workforce. When a manager starts to put employees down for a lack of perfection, or resort to name-calling and insults, or begins to passively reduce a team member’s status or work scope, without any discussion… all those behaviors and more mean the boss’s perfectionism is getting in the way of team performance, which of course has a direct impact on company performance.

Before I get into how to ask someone for help and support, I want to emphasize that this is when your performance management plan is really important: what are your goals, what are the descriptions associated to your goals, what are you focused on to improve performance for the sake of your growth, which impacts organizational growth, and whether you’re aligned to that plan.

Some may think performance plans are bunk, and sometimes they are. If your company uses them performatively, yeah… I get it. I’ve been there, too. But—they are also your contract for what you and your manager agree to as the work you need to accomplish to determine a lot of good things for you—and if you’re at an organization that doesn’t really care about that bit, then PLEASE still pay attention to your performance plan. If you feel like your manager is picking on the technical ways you are doing your work instead of WHAT you are accomplishing and when, you likely have something to stand on if you need to raise the issue to HR. Yes, the HOW you do your work is important when it comes to behaviors—you want to be working aligned to what’s expected by way of respect, integrity, dignity toward others, collaboratively, and all other typical ways companies may measure employees, but we all know every company is different. Some place high value and metrics on meeting your goals and expectations for behavior by way of values, and others simply put a bunch of words on walls in the hallways.

Whatever type of organization you work for, though, take your performance plan seriously. Since most managers never receive manager training, many of them do not realize the weight and value a performance plan has if an employee has to report the manger—or even go to litigation. Those are obviously extreme uses for performance plans, so think of this: if nothing else, it becomes the foundation for how you talk about your accomplishments at that company while interviewing for a new role at a different company.

How to Ask for Help

As for getting help, talk to who you trust and value—someone who will respect your privacy and also give you safety to discuss your issues and good advice. You don’t want someone who instantly says something like, “just give your boss perfection, then.” Seek out someone who’s been around the block a few times, someone who you admire for how they’ve managed their career, preferably a mentor or someone you look up to who can offer actual perspective.

Then use the BIC method when describing your boss’s perfectionism behaviors. What do you see your boss doing? What did he or she do, specifically, to you or a team member? Then what was the impact—and not just how you feel, although that’s important to name also, but what the impact was to your work or your team mate’s work? What is it doing to the way you are able to impact the department and organization? Then, if you have enough energy to think this through, what are some ways you wish your boss behaved that would be different?

This is BIC: share the observable behavior, convey the impact of that behavior, then state what you’d like to see change or continue. The good news for our listener is that they've already provided a lot of that information in their question: the observable behavior, the impact it's having on their work, and what they'd like to change. 

Additional Resources

For your resources, located in the show notes, I’ve provided an article from Psychology Today called, “Perfectionism can undermine psychological safety in the workplace.” It’s written by Dr. Greg Chasson, PhD, ABPP, and reviewed by Ray Parker, published in June 2024. While the title may elicit a, “well yeah, duh, no one feels safe in a hypercritical perfectionism environment,” I’m offering this first as a way to normalize what it feels like when dealing with a perfectionist boss. A lot of articles give tips about how you can accommodate and soothe the perfectionist, like setting boundaries, which is nearly impossible to do with any boss experiencing perception-of-work issues. Their perfectionism strips you of feeling empowered, so how will you set boundaries? Other tips include additional aspects of managing THEIR perfectionism, which can be exhausting after a prolonged time. Instead, I want to offer a resource that will help you with language of what it’s like to report to a perfectionist boss so you can determine who to go to and then how to ask for help that will be the best kind of help for you.

Your job is to determine a good path for you, not how you will help your boss appropriately manage THEIR perfectionism. 

Next up, a GREAT video form Christina Holloway. It’s from October 2022 and it’s called, “How to work for a perfectionist boss.” She describes the behaviors, talks through what it means and doesn’t mean for you, and fast tips to make some dynamic changes that I think will be helpful and practical.” It’s only ten minutes long, and I promise you’ll have real-world examples for managing boss perfectionism in the moment.

My last resource for you isn’t one I’m going to provide, but one I want you to consider. No matter what kind of boss you have, you need resources you can lean on when things get tricky for you. So this is less about me providing you with resources, and more about me giving you an assignment to determine you YOUR resources are. This is a vital step to thriving in a workplace, and our listener’s situation is a great example of why it’s important to know your resources.

And remember, I’m one of them, too.

Wrap Up & Submitting Your Question

And that’s a wrap for Episode 70 from season six focused on Dealing with Bad Bosses. Like and subscribe here, but also go to my site and send in YOUR question. It’s AskChrista.com, that’s Christa with a C-H. You’ll also see answers to other questions, listed by category and season, and every season has a theme. As always, thank you for your support. And remember, if you have a business challenge or a workplace issue—Ask Christa!