More Answers (02/11/26): The Learning-Losing Thing
Hi Everyone,
Here are More Answers... to help you head into the work week. Remember, you can see previous newsletters at askchrista.com/MoreAnswers.
Today’s topic: The Losing-Learning Thing
Losing a game or a job or a promotional opportunity or a boss or a team (through a variety of reasons like attrition, lay-offs, competition, etc) usually feels bad.
I say usually because I remember a few times when I didn't care that much about winning or losing, and I'm sure you're the same. But also in those instances, I also didn't try that hard (right? right.)
There are times when you achieve enough to go for the next big win, and you lose, like the New England Patriots this past weekend.
Yeah, admit it, you knew it was coming.
But there's also the Winter Olympics, and we'll see losses occur on the world stage from athletes that are in the tippity-top of their sport.
(btw, this week's newsletter is being sent on Wednesday because of a shift in my priorities... similar to last last year, and thank you for your patience!)
Learning from Losing is SOOOOOOOO Cliche (eye-roll)
As soft and cliche and eye-roll nauseating it sounds in the moment, the truth is still there... and I hesitate to even type it, but here goes... [Christa clears her throat and slowly types: you can learn a lot from losing]
[exhale] Wooooo... there, I typed it!
Don't take just my word for it, though. This is what we are hearing from the Patriots this week and from Olympians. And this is what we should all be thinking when we lose something that was competitive (and someone else scored higher or something happened where you scored lower), or lose something we cared about (like a job, and that can really hurt-- but once the heartache passes, we can still learn), or losing a boss or teammates you loved working with because they moved to a new opportunity or they were the one to be laid off (and how sad that layoffs are so normative these days...).
Emotional responses to loss are measurable, which makes them even more real than they feel. And it's not just you feeling the depth of loss: research shows that losses can carry more psychological weight than comparable gains, a phenomenon known as loss aversion (Kahneman & Tversky, 1979).
I'm a scholar of Hobfoll's Conservation of Resources Theory, which is based on empirical data that humans do what they can to conserve their resources, most often in the face of loss or perceived loss (creating stress and/or mechanisms to cope with adversity). I'm grossly simplifying, but it's for-sure one of my absolute favorite theories in part because it's not complicated AND everyone can relate to it. I think about that theory every time I lose and every time I see others lose, too.
The struggle can be real and difficult, especially at a time in history where it feels like there are 50 losses to only a fraction of one small gain.
And so, I will never be that person who tries to dampen legit pain of loss with a dumb "there's a lesson here" phrase, but when the bite heals and heart rates relax and our heads clear because our emotions are back in check, there is power in reflection and determining what the next move is... that is how the learning begins. It's also one of the greatest ways to counteract the loss.
But When the Hurt Starts to Shift...
There is, however, such a thing as learning from losing. There is.
Studies on performance consistently show that reflecting on setbacks improves subsequent performance, and intellectually, I think we all know this. But recent research focuses also on how impactful reflection can be when individuals move from emotional reaction to deliberate analysis (Eskreis-Winkler & Fishbach, 2019). That shift cannot and should not happens in the heat of the moment-- you need to feel things to be human... and yes, I still use and happen to love the em-dash, even if AI has hijacked it.
You will hear such deliberate analysis from championship teams after a tough loss. They take time to feel it. Then they review videos (and they've been doing this all along). They examine skill, technique, execution. They identify gaps and prioritize what to address to change and improve for the next time. Then they determine what their next move is.
And the same applies at work.
If you lost out on a promotion because someone else was stronger at the time of the interview, what did they demonstrate that you can build? Do you even WANT to build or gain those skills?
If you were laid off from a job you cared about, what skills can you sharpen now to reinvent yourself, refresh your skills, and rebuild your confidence?
If a beloved boss or teammate moves on, what did you learn from their leadership and workstyle that you can now carry forward? What's your plan for staying in touch? (yes, staying connected outside of work is a skill that often must be learned)
Learning is not related to the feeling of loss. We need to feel those feelings, but I'll say this: once you're at a place where you can learn from a loss, you start using it as a strengthener, which enables the "I lost" feelings to shift into a "but I can gain from it" mindset.
BOOSTER FOR YOUR WEEK
Mike Vrabel: "You Have to Learn How to Win In This League." | Patriots Press Conference (from February 10, 2026)
Yeah... lots of goods here...
With kindness,
Christa
(Helpful? Interesting? Please feel free to forward and invite others to subscribe at askchrista.com/newsletter.)
References
Eskreis-Winkler, L., & Fishbach, A. (2019). Not learning from failure—the greatest failure of all. Psychological Science, 30(12), 1733–1744. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797619881133
Kahneman, D., & Tversky, A. (1979). Prospect theory: An analysis of decision under risk. Econometrica, 47(2), 263–291. https://doi.org/10.2307/1914185
(remember: most public libraries in the USA offer access to academic papers; however, if yours does not, then Google these papers to see where they are listed, how you can learn more about them, and how you can find similar papers to learn more about conflict management and conflict resolution in the workplace)
