Ask Christa! Season 1 Reflections: What if You Consider Yourself First? (Negotiations, Conflict Management...) (S2E13)

Hi everyone and welcome to Ask Christa! the place where you can ask questions about how to work through business challenges and workplace issues. I'm Christa Dhimo and today's segment concludes my first season—I can’t believe we have 12 episodes done! 

For this segment, instead of answering a question, I’m going to recommend a really important habit we should all practice regularly that will help us a lot in the workplace : how we consider… ourselves.

When dealing with workplace issues, a lot of people start by considering others. And a lot of times, that can be useful: to consider other people’s reactions to us or to our actions, then tailor our actions accordingly. It’s one of the key elements to influence and to a large extent, it’s also how you setup for good negotiations. You create an environment where the other person feels at ease, feels considered, can be open to cooperation and collaboration. 

And if we want a negotiation to go well or to influence, you need to build a level of foundational trust and some type of mutuality… and… one of the best ways to do that is to consider the other person or the other people. Where they’re coming from. What they want. What will work to get you close to what YOU want. 

In fact, the old school mainstay of negotiations is to know the difference between the surface-level needs, or the ones in front of you, vs the underlying concerns—the REAL reason behind the negotiation. Within those underlying concerns is the heart of the matter, and the quicker you get there, the smoother the negotiations tend to be.

But you know what makes it much, much better? Easier? 

Making sure we consider ourselves, too. What are OUR underlying concerns? What do WE need in order to take it to the next step? 

Based on the questions I’ve received in the last few weeks, and my own reflection about why I started the podcast and what I hope it achieves for others, Season 2 is shaping up to be a lot about that: how we can know ourselves better in a work situation. How we can feel stronger to advocate for ourselves. How to learn about different tools and techniques then apply them to SMOOTH through a day, not just GET through a day.

How we can feel more understood and less weary at the end of our workdays.

This is especially important for certain demographics who learn at an early age how to influence others, especially if there’s already a power dynamic involved: how to approach introducing a new idea, how to frame an issue so the person doesn’t become defensive-- AGAIN, how to stick up for yourself when your boss interrupts you in front of your team… 

All of those questions and scenarios focus on how to get to a goal we’re seeking—sometimes urgently, like if you think your boss is sabotaging your good work, but even those examples showcase something subtle: the questions focus on how to do the influencing, with very little consideration for how to prepare—and that’s when we Must. Consider. Ourselves. Because it’s not JUST about how to frame an issue so the person doesn’t become defensive. It’s also about how to prepare yourself so you don’t have to work so hard to avoid someone’s defensiveness, or how to make small changes and adjust your style to something that works well for you AND coaches someone else so it’s a lasting change. 

SO it’s not, how to frame an issue so the person doesn’t become defensive again, it’s how to change your perspective so you can speak your truth WHETHER the person becomes defensive or not. If you can frame it in a better way, then that’s always a good thing to do. But you have to consider yourself first: what are you looking to achieve that will offer a better situation for you overall—not just for that one moment.

Now, obviously if you’re abrasive or offensive or overly aggressive such that YOU’RE the one people avoid, you absolutely have to consider others… but, again—there’s some inner work you have to do first, otherwise whatever you do in the workplace so solve some of those issues won’t have a lasting effect.

So as I wrap up Season 1—which helped me finalize a lot of podcast details, I’m looking to Season 2 with excitement and hope and energy about the questions I’ll be answering and the way I might make a difference.

This segment’s additional resources starts with a quick read on negotiation. During Episode 5’s segment about raising freelancer rates, I talked about how important it is to have negotiation skills—and not just in business, but in life, and that’s a lot of what you’ll learn from Bob Gleason’s article “Top Negotiation Strategies for Strategic Communication Success.” It’s a highly informative, educational, and practical review of what works best in negotiations—from how you consider yourself and the others involved in a negotiation, to effective strategies and tactics. I’m including it as a way to start building important skills so as you reflect on changes and your own growth, much as I did after Season 1, you can also learn about and then practice skills to create that change or do something about your growth.

If you’re feeling more ambitious, then I’ve also included a YouTube video from a London Business School seminar called “The Art of Negotiation: Six Must-Have Strategies.” It’s a very engaging video that goes through the science of negotiation while focused on very practical aspects of what works best. It’s about an hour, but it’s also had 5.5 million views, and I watched it this morning to determine whether I should add it… and I’m adding it, so… it’s a good find. 

You’ll learn why it’s important to start with yourself in both of these resources.

The last resource is about conflict management, because we ALL need a bit of those tools and techniques—and I’m not talking about the skill of enduring conflict or avoiding it. In fact, most people prefer to avoid it, and… part of that is because, just as with negotiations, we’re never taught how to manage conflict, particularly in schools and at work. And when we are, it usually starts with thinking of where the other person is coming from… when, in fact, the best rule is to start with… yourself.  

Learning how to constructively manage conflict means everyone has a change to use tools that will lead to the best possible outcome. It’s from the Harvard Business School blog—and again, there are plenty of business schools and business research forums out there—I chose this one because of the science behind it AND, I think you’ll find it to be refreshing and relatable. 

The article is “5 Strategies for Conflict Resolution in the Workplace” from September 2023. I’ve included the link to their YouTube video of the same name also. The work is reflective of the Thomas-Killman Conflict Model, which is a model I’ve used in the past and offers just enough structure and perspective to understand conflict styles, without pushing too much structure and dogma to impact relatability. In other words: anyone can relate to, learn from, and then USE the learnings from the Thomas-Killman Conflict Model.

Ok, there it is—Episode 13!. Season 2 is underway. Meanwhile, let’s keep this going! Submit your questions on my website, AskChrista.com, that's Christa with a CH, and while you’re there, sign up to receive my weekly Sunday Night newsletter called “More Answers.” When you sign up, you’ll receive a free issue of the Survivor's Guide to Business Challenges and Workplace Issues, too. You can also look up different episode’s based on the category once you visit my site, and if you find value—forward to others! Encourage them to follow too, with my thanks. There’s no need to go it alone. We’ve got answers!

Speaking of… if YOU have a business challenge or workplace issue, Ask Christa!