Ask Christa! Managing an Interrupting Boss (S2E16)

Hi everyone and welcome to Ask Christa! the place where you can ask questions about how to work through business challenges and workplace issues. I'm Christa Dhimo and today's question is, “How can I get my manager to stop interrupting me during my team meetings?”

 Woo boy, that's a tough one. Being interrupted by your boss in front of your team, and while I don't know enough to speak to this specific question-- like how long the person has worked with this boss or what kind of reputation the boss has overall, there is such a thing as an interrupting culture, and I'm going to start there. You’ll see it in families, around friend groups, and yes, in work environments, too. It might be isolated to a specific team or it could be a department, or… the entire company, especially if it’s a smaller organization where the culture binds the company together but also creates blocks of behavior that, it seems, everyone does.

 Now, there are some reasons why someone may interrupt, whether at work or not:

·       They’re excited about what they’re hearing and CAN’T WAIT to contribute!!

·       They’re bad listeners who cannot sit and pay attention—actively listen—to whoever is speaking. Active listening is a skill that must be learned and practiced, especially if you’re in an interrupting culture where most of the time, the problem is the utter absence (and sometimes disdain) for active listening. 

·       The person speaking, who is getting interrupted, is not being factually correct during a time when it’s imperative to be factually correct. Or the person getting interrupted is not practicing the required standard procedure for a formal environment. We see this happen in courtrooms when one of the attorneys might object.

·       The person who is being interrupted is running out of time, and needs to hear, in the moment, "Just 10 minutes left!"

·       And of course, interruptions that are used to cut off who's speaking and dominate the discussion.

So… what do you do?

For starters, watch out for any signs of an interrupting culture during your interview before you’re even employed at the company. You will see it there. It might look like rapid-fire questions where you barely get an answer out and the next question comes out. It might look like you are ¾ the way through an answer and the interviewer interrupts and shares their experience or how THEY manage situations you were describing.

If you see a lot of it during your interview and it concerns you, you can ask the recruiter about it during your debrief, “What can you share about the communication style of the hiring manager? I know we were pressed for time, so I was keeping my answers short and concise, but it felt really rushed. There were several times when the hiring manager talked over me as I started my answer, and I'm trying to determine if that's a style or perhaps just the timing of the interview.”

 By the way, you could also decide to say nothing at all—what’s important is that you are aware and are taking notes during the interview process that, if a job were offered and you accepted, you may be walking into an interrupting culture.

 There are also ways to address interrupting behavior during a meeting after you have the job, and the most effective one is to say, as you open the meeting, “We’ll be talking about a few exciting topics and you may have an urge to speak up right away—I’m asking that you write down all questions, concerns, curiosities as soon as you have them, because I’ve saved the last half of this meeting to address any and all questions and concerns. I promise you’ll have time.” Then of course, you have to make sure you have the time in the meeting.

 When I’m working in an interrupting culture, I design my meetings so that my content is covered in the first half, and everyone's questions and thoughts are addressed in the second half. It conditions the team for time management and creates healthy, respectful meeting habits.

 If it still happens, there are direct ways to manage it in the moment during the meeting: you interrupt the interruption, “excuse me, wait, please let me finish.” 

 If that’s not your style and you prefer not to interrupt someone who just interrupted you, you can wait until the interrupter is finished speaking then say, “OK, before we address that, let me finish what I was saying so we can close that part up.” 

 Obviously when it’s your boss, the dynamics you have with your manager need to be considered. If it’s a good relationship, you can talk to them after the meeting, describe the interrupting behavior and its impact, and how you’d like it to change. This feedback model is called BIC (B for Behavior, I for Impact, and C for Change or Continue), and I have found it to be the most effective feedback model I’ve known, coached, advised on, and used in the last 30 years. It’s short, the structure is straightforward, and you can remember what it means.

 “Knock knock… Hi Christa, thanks for attending my meeting earlier today. It seemed like you were really engaged, and I appreciate that. When I was talking about the budget process, you interrupted a couple of times to offer additional information to the team [that's the Behavior]—which is good information for them to have, but not if it means they see you interrupting me to get the information. I’d like the team to see how well we work together, and if the only time they see us working together is during my meetings, with you interrupting me, that’s not going to give an accurate depiction—and, I’m afraid it might show them that interrupting is OK [that's the Impact]. Could you hold on your adds until I'm finished speaking instead of interrupting? [that's the Change]”

 Wooooo…. Too pixie dust and flying horses? Well, if you have a good working relationship, my guess is your boss will interrupt you in the moment AGAIN … in agreement.  

 If you don’t have that kind of relationship with your boss, and so many people don’t, and it's something you feel you need to address in order to feel more successful at work, then pre-read the meeting with your boss ahead of time whenever they’re going to attend, share the topics you will cover and the topics your boss will cover, and see how you can manage some expectations in the pre-read. 

 If it’s a really toxic relationship where your manager frequently dominates your meetings whether there is a pre-read or not, then it’s time to talk to a coach or a mentor, or figure a way to limit which meetings your boss attends. And sometimes, there's not much we CAN do, but knowing your boss’s style gives you an advantage.

 For additional resources, I’ve provided a great video from Lighthouse Communication—I LOVE this video because it starts out DEMONSTRATING a classic interruption at work, then the host brings you through four quick tips to manage the interruption IN THE MOMENT. It was posted in January of 2023, and what I like the most is how the example is done while the team is in a mock virtual meeting—where you have the digital walls to contend with, not a room where you might make larger movements or stand up or walk in order to keep the focus on your points. You’ll see what I mean when you view it, and I hope you do. It’s four minutes long, and really, really good.

 I’ve also included an article from Sherri Gordon called “Understanding the psychology of interrupting.” It’s on the Verywell Mind site, which I like because there are peer reviewers who review the articles before they are published, yet it’s written in a way that is accessible to all. There are various resources available in the article also, including the need for control, gender differences, the effects of interruptions, and quick tips to handle a chronic interrupter and future interruptions. It’s not specific to the workplace, but that’s good—you will experience people outside of work who interrupt you also.

 Last is another video, this time from Communication Coach Alexander Lyon called “How to Stop People from Interrupting You.” It was posted in October 2022, and while some of his tips may not be comfortable for everyone to do, but the tips are solid and it’s good to watch educational-style content. Where the first video from Lighthouse Communications focuses on how to manage an interruption in the moment, Alexander Lyon focuses more specifically on stopping people from interrupting. You’ll see some overlap, but both videos are different.

 And as a reminder, I develop my content then seek credible resources specific to the question to fill in the gaps, offer additional insights, or improve upon what I have provided here so you can learn more at a pace and timeframe that works best for you.

 So there it is, Episode 16—what a challenge, to have your own boss chronically interrupting you during your team meetings! I hope this was helpful. Remember to submit your questions to my show’s website, AskChrista.com, that's Christa with a CH, where you’ll see a big FOLLOW button, and while you’re there you’ll see an easy way to sign up for my weekly Sunday Night newsletter called “More Answers.”

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