Ask Christa! How Do I Stop Putting Up with Bad Behavior (Put-Downs) at Work? (S2E17)

Hi everyone and welcome to Ask Christa! the place where you can ask questions about how to work through business challenges and workplace issues. I'm Christa Dhimo and today's question is about how to handle a coworker who puts people down. Here it is:

“I work with someone who is so bad-mannered, that I’m thinking of leaving my company for a job with lesser pay just to get out of the environment. I’ve worked with him for ten months, and his put-downs are intolerable. He says he comes from an older generation back when people had a sense of humor, and if we don’t laugh at his insults, he says we’re too sensitive. I haven’t spoken with my boss yet because he’s seen the behavior and doesn’t say anything, so I’m not sure he cares or will take me seriously.

“But here’s an example, we work in the procurement department in a large construction company, and last week when my co-worker met a new electrician helping review a sourcing agreement, my coworker said, “So… not smart enough for college, eh?” He quickly followed up with, “Nah—I’m just kidding—it’s good you’re tough enough to take a joke, though.” But the new hire, who’s young, just froze. He didn’t know what to think, but he definitely didn’t think it was funny. The rest of us were mortified, but we didn’t say anything, either. That’s the part that’s starting to bother me.

“I feel like I need to say or do something, but I also don’t want to be his next target. I’m accommodating his bad behavior beyond what I’m willing to personally tolerate, and I’m also going along to get along. How do I stop accommodating without becoming a target?”

There is a lot involved in addressing this kind of situation, so, I’m going to talk about what we can do for ourselves as the focus of this episode.

When we’re in situations where we feel like we have to go along to get along, as this question says, AND we also feel that we have to compromise our values, which in this case usually include treating others with basic respect and dignity, we’re probably more depleted than we realize.

Toxic work environments, and I would say this is an example, are draining… and a lot of the time, they are draining because the “respect and dignity” piece in any team environment is soooooo critical if people are to do work well and do good work.

Think about this: respect is the regard for a coworkers’ work product and feelings, and dignity is showing someone they are worthy of such respect. Humans THRIVE amidst feeling respected and shown dignity, and they close up and re-route to a go along to get along behavior if they cannot thrive—if they aren’t in an environment where respect and dignity matter.

And don’t scoff at my mention of caring about your coworkers’ feelings.

How your coworkers feel are the ultimate in influence and impact, and in this case the listener is thinking of leaving the organization because of someone else’s bad behavior. That’s a big deal.

And I will say this: in EVERY clean-up I’ve ever done within an organization, there is a meekness that grew in the culture often because of a put-down or oppressive personality dominating the most critical teams.

That one personality kept stronger and better organizational performance down—kept stronger and better employees from reaching their full potential, kept stronger and better managers from promoting into leadership positions, kept stronger and better behavior from demonstrating and then exceeding higher standards and expectations that resulted in the organization exceeding their goals, too.

So, what can you do?

First, understand the Harassment policies in your workplace. That might sound like a bunch of HOO HAH, but policies are there to communicate, clarify, and enforce expectations—and harassment is about behavior.

Sometimes there are legal expectations based on laws that you must comply with, and sometimes they’re corporate expectations based on practices and behaviors you’re expected to support, perhaps specific to your industry or specific to your client base.

Knowing your policies can often be the quickest and most straightforward way to resolve uncomfortable behavior in the workplace—and not just with HR-related items, but IT, Finance, Client dinners, and various other items.

Your policies will explain how to report and resolve issues where you believe the policies are being violated. That’s what they are there for, and by the way—there are federal and state laws across the United States and in other countries that protect the workplace such that employees can feel they work in a safe environment free of harassment, coercion, and various other bad behaviors.

Knowing your work policies clarifies and reenforces what is and isn’t tolerated in your workplace, and may offer some structure for a discussion with your manager.

Second, talk to someone. Reviewing the policies enables you to focus on specific examples of behavior and tag that to a place in the policy and also how you should report. This will not only validate your experience, but also give you a straight line for how to talk to your manager or how to call a third-party hotline and report, or how to file a case with your state or with your country.

“OK, Christa, so how do I do THAT? My manager has seen this behavior and they do nothing!”

OK, I get it. But as with everything related to your manager, it starts with trust. If you still have trust, in spite of what you perceive to be looking the other way, then you don’t have to prepare a full legal brief: “In Section 1, subsection B, paragraph two, page 5 of our anti-harassment policy, it expressly says…”

But it COULD sound like the question our listener submitted with a few changes, since you’re talking to your manager, “I like my job and most of the people I work with. I thrive in polite, respectful environments. I don’t mind an occasional swear word, but there’s a team member whose put-down behavior is getting to a point when I’m feeling really uncomfortable. It’s distracting, and I’m not sure how to manage it, but I recall during orientation and in our policies that this is something I should bring to your attention.”  See what happens.

If you don’t have that kind of relationship with your boss, then who else is in a management position who you trust and can talk to? Or, can you go to your business partner in HR?

If those options don’t exist in your workplace, then go to a mentor or anyone else you trust in your life—who also works in a similar environment—firstly to talk it out, and secondly to get some real-time advice. 

Or maybe you’ll learn from reviewing your Harassment policy that the circumstance you describe should go directly to a confidential hotline where a third party will investigate anonymously and confidentially. “Anonymous” means that your name and hence identity is protected, and “confidential” means protected such that only those with specific access to the data will see it. I’ll put some resources in the show notes. There’s even a federal reporting mechanism here in the United States as of June 2025.

“But Christa, I work in higher ed, we don’t really have what you’re talking about.” OK, well, see if you have an Ombuds service, and if you do—then trust them. This is the work they do and what they get paid for: to listen to your grievances, protect you when needed, offer advice and a path forward.

As always, I have selected additional resources and put them in the show notes. You’ll see a YouTube video from February 2022 on the Vanessa Van Edwards channel. She interviews Dr. Tessa West, who’s the author of Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About Them, and while it doesn’t focus on those who put others down, there is a section I’ve highlighted that talks about those who kick others down. But overall, it’s a great segment.

I’ve included Dr. West’s HBR article, too,  that talks about the 5 Jerks in her book, how to spot each type of coworker, then how to deal with them.

You’ll also find an article from Psychology Today called “When your employee insults you in front of others.” Obviously in this Ask Christa! segment, the question is about a PEER putting coworkers down, but the article offers insights and solid strategies to help you manage bad behavior at work, including those who insult or put others down. You don’t have to put up with it, and even subtle changes can make a positive difference for you.

And for those of you in the United States, although this is good information for anyone to have, I’ve included the webpage from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission about Harassment. As of the taping of this episode, mid-June 2025, federal law says Harassment becomes unlawful under two conditions, with the second being that “the conduct is severe or pervasive enough to create a work environment that a reasonable person would consider intimidating, hostile, or abusive.”

And that’s federal law so it WILL be included in your Anti-Harassment policy at work. This is also why I say you should know your policies. If nothing else, it enables you to better understand what you may have working in your favor, which could… make you feel stronger.

OK, there it is, Episode 17— see what I meant when I said Season 2 was about how we focus on ourselves? I really feel for anyone dealing with this level of toxicity at work these days. But, and this is important: you’re not alone. You are not alone.

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